Thankful Thursday: They That Wait

Every Thursday for the month of August, I have decided to blog about thankfulness.  This will be an undertaking for me as I have never attempted to blog every week.  Sometimes we all need to encourage ourselves and this is me encouraging myself.  :)

It seems as I talk to friends, they are all going through something tough.  Some situations I know and others I do not, but whatever the case may be, my friends are weary, wondering when  their circumstances will change, when they will get their break.  I can relate to some of them as I have been in their shoes and walked the road they are walking.  Some of them I cannot relate too, but I can empathize.

As we walk this journey called Life, there are many roads we travel and many bridges we cross.  Some are blissful, even perfect moments, and others are not quite as blissful.  None of us like the paths that hurt, the paths that bring us to our knees.  We like the perfect moments, the time when for that second everything is right in our world.  However, if it wasn't for those roads we would so much like to bypass, we really wouldn't learn to appreciate the perfect moments in our life.  This has been a hard concept for me.  I would much prefer to tiptoe through the tulips and ride on a cloud.  I don't like to cry.   I don't want to hurt.  I don't want to walk the scary roads where doubt is on every hand and hope can be hard to find, where the only option is to trust that there is a plan and in the end, it will be all right. 

I am walking such a road right now.  I have walked this way before.  I knew it was a rough road, but I chose to return to walk it once again.  I am fighting the battle to keep faith, trust and hope in the forefront and doubt and fear in the rear.  The days are filled with sunshine and resolve not to worry; the nights are filled with anxiety and much desperate prayer.  I am on a medication.  I will not talk much about it at this point except to say it is to aid in our quest to one day hold our miracle baby in our arms.  It is VERY necessary I use this medication, but it has VERY nasty side effects. 

When I start a new medication I always read the precautions and warnings; that is just who I am. However, this time I didn't read the insert. Frankly, I didn't really want to know, because I knew it wouldn't change anything.  I would still take it.

This medication must be taken at night and therefore, in all good humor, I call it "my nightly torture."  Despite things that has happened in my life that caused me to be anxious, I was not fully aware of how real anxiety could feel.  I lie in bed and in about 15 minutes after my nightly torture, all of a sudden, I can't breathe. There is an elephant sitting on my chest, pain, a million thoughts roaring through my mind and soul, and the inevitable tears.  I cannot tell you about the first night this happened, the terror.  As I have a valid reason to be somewhat anxious, I worried what my body was telling me.  It wasn't until about two weeks later, my mom and I happened to read the side effects.  Worry was one of them, anxiety another.  Yes, the word "worry" was listed as a side effect. By that time, we had surmised it was the medication as it is not in my nature to be plagued by that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  My hubby has taken to holding me very tight and praying most fervently.  As he falls asleep, I continue silently, "God, it's me again"...until I fall asleep.  Sometimes I listen to uplifting songs and other times I peruse the Bible app on my iPhone.  Thank God for technology, right?  :)

"Perfect love casteth out fear."  Seems easy enough, but in reality when your back is up against the wall and the only way out is to walk through that valley full of fear and doubt, it can be a challenge.  I know in my heart that things are going to be all right even if they really aren't all right...in the end, everything happens for a reason and you get through it.  I have no problems trusting in the plan and the Creator of the plan.  I just know there is a plan!  I have enough faith to believe that the path I'm walking was chosen for me and obviously if I was chosen, then I will have enough courage and strength to walk it.  For several nights as I lay fighting to relax in the palm of His hand, a part of a scripture kept coming to mind.  "Hast thou not known?  Hast thou not heard..."  It was at that point I couldn't remember the rest and after a couple of nights of this, I looked it up.

"Hast thou not known?  Hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary?  there is no searching of his understanding."  Now maybe these words don't fill you with courage and the renewed will to fight, but it does me!  I "faint" sometimes!  I get weary!  When I can't understand the "whys" and get frustrated, I do say, "God are you there?  Do you know what is going on down here??"  We often dissolve tears at our situation.  Yet we have a powerful ally, the antianxiety

So, this Thursday, I am thankful for the anxiety because it causes me to look to the One who knows my dreams, hopes and my future.  I am thankful for such a medication that was invented to help millions of women (along with our Creator) finally hold their dream in their arms.   I am thankful for the knowledge that if everything isn't all right and my worst "fear" is realized, I will not be alone as I pick myself up and know in time, it will be all right.

For my friends who are fighting, waiting for their break, waiting for a job, waiting for their Prince Charming, waiting to hold a smiling baby in their arms, whatever the wait is for, this one is for you.  Take heart!  You are held and even if you can't feel His arms, they are there!  Know that He knows where you are at, He sees every tear, every desperate plea.  He will be your counselor, your strong tower, deliverer, shield and defense, healer, your beginning, your end and your very best friend.  I will remind of us all:  "They that wait upon the Lord SHALL renew their strength; they SHALL mount up with wings as eagles; they SHALL run, and not be weary; and they SHALL walk and not faint."