Fantastic Fridays: Trust and Faith

I am not a theologian, but to me trust and faith go hand in hand.  I don’t know how you can have one without another.  I trust and  have faith that the sun will rise tomorrow and there will be a sunset.  It seems so simple, yet trusting and having faith can be so hard to do.  When it seems that life is dealing you an unfavorable hand, it can be so hard to trust that everything will be okay.  I look back at hard times in my life and I see now how God was moving in my life to bring me to this place and this moment, but at the time I didn’t understand. 

Moving in July was so very difficult for me.  I made the decision willingly because I thought we would be preparing to spend a pretty penny in fertility testing and treatments, but giving up our lil house and moving in with my parents was NOT the way I thought our life was supposed to go.  I even had so many questions. Why us and what had we done wrong?  Why does it seem we’ve had heartache around every bend?  It was ever present in my mind that if Justin hadn’t lost his job, things might be completely different.  We were poised for a great year with both of us working and full of big plans; however, as I look back  I realize now those 832 days of Justin being unemployed were the making of us.  Our marriage grew so much stronger.  Our eyes became more focused on God.

 Now I have to smile because here I am on bed rest with our lil miracle, and I see the path and God’s plan to bring me to this place and I am content and happy.  Maybe for some the situation isn’t ideal, but for me at this moment, it is perfect.  Trust…

Every week it is a leap of faith for me not to dwell on what could go wrong and trust that my baby is in the safest of hands – God.  As the song that is playing says, He is our hiding place.  Whenever I am afraid I will trust in You.  This really hit home this week.  To look at me, you wouldn’t be able to tell I carry a lil miracle within me.  Our baby is hidden from the world, only visible by ultrasound at this point.  This whole time, Baby is growing and developing and even I am only given a glimpse of his/her world on Fridays.  Still, from the very beginning, our Creator has seen our baby.  When it was just cells, He knew our baby.  Even now when we are wondering if our baby is a boy or a girl, God knows.  This is fascinating to me!  He knew our baby before it was formed and He knows who this child is destined to be.  He knows the future for our child! 

This hiding place that God designed especially for babies has betrayed me before, but yet it was created for a safe place where a baby can grow, do flips, be nourished and kick away until it is time to be born.  What a comfort to know that while I can’t see inside my child’s world every day and every moment, our Heavenly Father is always watching over the both of us.

Our baby put on quite a show for Mama and Grandma today!  Baby’s Daddy had to work so Grandma got to go and this was the first time for her to see her grandbaby kicking away and being a wiggle-baby!  In fact, we have on video the baby raising his/her arms and hands above the head.  I joked baby was already raising his/her arms in joy, saying, “Look what I can do, Mama!!”  The whole time we were watching, the baby was moving and we couldn’t take our eyes off the screen!!!  I have to wonder if this is a glimpse into my future, chasing after very energetic baby! J 

The doctor took so much time today to point out a very strong little chin, little eyes, tiny knees, tiny elbows, and the fingers and toes were even more on display today.  Our baby is measuring a day ahead which just delights my heart!  I am so comfortable with my doctor and just so thankful, I have no problem verbally thanking God each week for another week of life when I get that first glimpse of that heartbeat!!  I just say out loud, “Thank you God!” This may sound funny to some of you but when you have been where I have been, you realize and appreciate the wonder of a heartbeat!  I got so excited about seeing Baby move I was trying to tell my mom and all that came out was, “see Baby see Mama!”  That gives you an idea just how exciting this is to me!  I can’t even talk right!

We did get another piece of news today, one that I had mixed feelings about.  In two weeks, the doctor will be releasing me back to work.  Amazingly, things are progressing so normally with an apparent healthy baby and I am doing so well, so with each week that passes there is less reason for bed rest.  I am grateful for this.  I am really in awe that this is happening, however I won’t be free to be with Mamo all day long.  For this reason, I am sad.

My Mamo has been physically failing. We’ve been seeing this for a while, but it seems to be more prominent and she doesn’t seem to be bouncing back.  My Mamo has been and is a very strong woman.  She deals with more pain in one day than many of us have our whole lives.  Her case is in the research books from prominent teaching hospitals who have studied her.  It is a miracle she made it through birthing three children.  Pain is her way of life but she has always determinedly carried on with a smile and never a complaint. Now, she’s admitted to my mom that she is tired and weary and ready to go. We have never heard Mamo say anything like that EVER!!  I also know that Mamo doesn’t want pity or sympathy and perhaps she probably would not be happy knowing I’m sharing it with you.

Lately, I have spent more than a couple of nights in tears because of this and sending up desperate prayers for more time.  I have always prayed for more time with Mamo.  When I was younger, I prayed that she would live to see me married.  As soon as I was married, I prayed that she would be alive to hold my firstborn.  I am thankful that two of my younger cousins have had that moment with her, but I want that moment. I have dreamed of having a “fourth generation” photoshoot with Mamo, Mom, my child and me.  Now, God willing, this lil miracle will be arriving next year and I find myself begging God to please answer my prayer for that one moment. 

Last night as I lay in bed with tears rolling down my cheeks praying for more time, my mind went a different direction and one that I wasn’t completely ready to accept.  How can I be so selfish to pray for Mamo to stay here in pain every day?  

Some of you know that when I lost my last little baby I had an amazing experience when I was unconscious. Because of that wonderful experience, I know the peace and love she will feel when she feels His arms around her.  I know the awe and wonder she will know when she crosses that crystal river in all its brilliance, when she glimpses Heaven.  Most of all, she will be free of all pain. 

What really hit home last night was the thought of her “welcoming committee.”  On that day in March when I looked across the river to that small group of souls gazing at us with so much love, I couldn’t see their faces.  I without a doubt they knew me and were special to me, but in spite of my desire their faces eluded me.  Was one of them my beloved Granny Tosh or my Uncle Jimmy who was a great prayer warrior in every sense of the word?  Was the tall one my Pa, Dad’s father?  I don’t know those answers, but Mamo will see their faces so clear.  She will see the loved ones she has lost and mourned.  There will be no pain or sorrow as they welcome her into Paradise, only joy and that overwhelming feeling of love. 

In the previous months when life would get too tough I have closed my eyes and remembered, being transported in my mind to that place, my hiding place.  I realized more last night what a gift was given to me when I was held.  When Mamo leaves there won’t be any questions as to what awaits her or where she is at.  I can’t say I have completely accepted her leaving us because I simply can’t imagine living in a world where Mamo doesn’t.  I pray that I get to hand her my firstborn and see that look of love on her face, but this is where trust and faith come in once again.  I don’t want Mamo to linger and be in so much pain.

I prayed last night that God would give me courage for that moment when it comes and once again, I was reminded of words that were told to me in March:  “I will give you the courage you need.”  There will be a hiding place I will be able to go to mourn and where I will be comforted.  His strength will be enough when mine is no longer enough.  This is a promise to us. 

“He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.”  This means when we experience wonderful joy and laughter while my baby waves or when we experience heartbreaking sorrow when we say goodby to those we hold so dear, He is in control and He has a plan. And I am learning His plan is always best and for our best. Even as God knows my baby’s days before he/she takes his/her first breath, each of our days are numbered and it is all part of a bigger plan.  There is comfort in the trusting.