One Foot in Front of the Other

It's been a while since I blogged mainly because of that question of how much do you share? How much is it okay to share of your life and specifically my quest to join the ranks of Motherhood? Yet it would seem I have some loyal readers who would like to know.

In a nutshell, I have been putting one foot in front of the other. Life doesn't stop just because my own little world was turned upside down. It goes on and it is so healthy to go with it. I have every reason to move forward. I have HOPE. I have Faith. I have LOVE. We all have a choice how we react to heartache. I'm sorry to say too many times in the past, I would wallow in the heartache and get overwhelmed in shades of black. Oh, I'll be honest and admit I have had my days where the clouds above me were light shades of grey. There have even been times I have felt ashamed by my grief. After all to be given the chance to see a crystal river and to know without doubt that my babies are being held always, why should I grieve? There are so many other women out there that have gone through losing a child and worse and weren't given the experience I was granted. I said as much to a sweet lady who has also lost a baby and she assured me, no matter what, I will still grieve and it is perfectly okay. That is natural. It is human. Tears are after all a language God understands. So Mother's Day, I cried...well, it was a hard day being a Day I've aspired to enjoy for the last four years and two months exactly after baby left me, but even still, I had two awesome friends who took time out of their day to wish me, the woman who has never held her child in her arms, a happy Mother's Day. I will always remember them for their compassion and kindness. I think Mother's Day is the hardest day to get through for women who do not have children. It is a reminder of all that we dream, wish and pray for and the emptiness is felt acutely that day. So many times because we don't have a child in our arms, people overlook us on that day or maybe they just don't know what to say so they ignore the elephant in the room.

I'm also amazed at the number of women who have crawled out of the woodwork to share their story of loss with me. I have found it doesn't matter how many children they have or don't have, their financial status or walk of life, women do not forget the lil ones they carried so briefly. They do not have a grave to visit, but those lil ones who were born before their time will always have a place in their mother's hearts. One lady even wears a ring that has the birthstones of her babies she lost. Not many people realize the significance of the ring either. I felt sorry for my hubby because so many times the focus is on the woman's heartache. Shortly after we lost baby, my hubby had an interview and in the course of it, the man asked my hubby if he had kids. I think normally he would just say no and leave it at that, but for some reason, maybe because it was so raw, he told the man I had just lost a baby. My hubby was not prepared for what happened next! The man totally teared up and started crying. He was just so sorry for my hubby that he had to go through losing a child and shared his story with my hubby. I'm pretty sure my hubby will never forget that man. There has only been one woman who felt compelled to tell me she was relieved when she had a miscarriage. That is something that will always stick with me, somebody being relieved that she had lost a lil life. I don't think I will ever understand that one.

All in all, it is a choice. You can let your grief take its course and realize that this too shall pass or you can wallow in it, become bitter and hard. It is a fine line. I had a bad day this week and I told my friend that like Anne of Green Gables, I was in "depths of despair," but I was smiling when I said it.

For an update on the journey to become a mother, there is so much HOPE! We went through some testing to find out a possible reason to prevent us from becoming parents and all that testing was negative. From the tests they have ran, there is no medical reason why we have had to say goodbye. Yes, the three other losses are unexplained and that is scary because statistically with four losses and no live births, the human odds are stacked. I've read numbers like 0-5% will be successful and have a biological child. Personally, I do not know one woman who has had four losses and no baby. I've read of them, but personally I don't know of any woman like me. Guess that makes me unique! :) All I can say is we haven't lost hope and we aren't giving up. For the meantime, I am taking powerful extra prescription vitamins and when and if the day happens and I am blessed to be given the gift of a little life, as soon as we find out, I will be put on more prescriptions and possibly bed rest. At this point, it is a just a leap of faith and just trust that there is a plan. I'm okay with that because I know if ever I hear my own sweet baby's first cry, I will treasure that moment more than most. I will know the heartache and faith it took to get there. I will know that life is not guaranteed. I will know a child is a blessing and a miracle, not something to take lightly. I will also go further and say if I never hear my own biological baby's cry, but maybe the cry of a baby brought into the world by another mother, I will know without a doubt that child was sent special delivery to us.

In the last two months, I have heard (and read) things like living in the past, letting go, constantly bringing things up means you haven't let go and get on with it. Well in most instances, that is so true. If you constantly focus on the bad things that happen and the closed door, you will miss the open door of opportunity. That is a proven example. However, there are a few exceptions to that. Healing is a process. If some of these people that "live" by what they say, if they lost one of their living children or went through a heartache that brought them to their knees, guaranteed they might live in the past for awhile and guaranteed they wouldn't be so quick to say, "Move forward, get over it." I am actually thankful that I have walked this path because I have been shown compassion and love and I have learned once again, the importance of the Golden Rule: Do unto others what you would have them do to you. It is no joke. It pays to be compassionate to others and not take their heartaches lightly because you never know when you might be facing your own heartache and you need someone to return the favor. I hope I can always remember this and from the "bottom" of my heart, I thank those of you who took time to cry with me, hold me, share with me and show me all the compassion in your hearts. I will never forget and I will be a better person for this journey.

"...we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience experience; and experience, HOPE: and HOPE maketh not ashamed..."