Thanks

Holidays 2011 are finally here!! The turkey is in its spa of sage, rosemary and other savory spices and the stuffing is soaking up the seasonings ready for the oven tomorrow. At Mamo's house are pumpkin pies, pecan pies, apple pie and Mom's butterscotch pie which she especially made for Dad, all awaiting hungry mouths tomorrow. Tomorrow morning, my aunt is bringing the best homemade chocolate pie I've ever eaten in my life along with a pumpkin roll that I hope to kidnap (without ransom) and hide somewhere to enjoy later. (Insert mischievous laughter here!)

Today was one of the best days I've had in a while. Since my doctor restricted me again, it seems I have been stuck in the house far too long. I have a somewhat curious nature in the fact that I can be very social, but I have moments where I am a total homebody. Lately, since I'm not supposed to do anything, being home has been somewhat tedious, leaving me staring at four walls. My aunt persuaded Mamo to let her do most of the baking this year and I persuaded my hubby and mom to let me go over to her house and help bake - sitting down. It was decided I could go as long as I put my feet up and didn't exert myself. This morning, I woke up early, anxious to start. My hubby agreed to drop me off, but before getting there, I asked him to please feed me McDonalds. Yes, I know most of you are grimacing in horror right now, but I have been craving McDonald's breakfast and it was at this most humble place I was taught a lesson kindness and thankfulness.

I had sat down at a booth waiting for hubby to bring the food over and as I was waiting, I was perusing Facebook on my phone. I was not really paying attention to anything around me until an old voice said, "How are you this morning?" I looked up into kind eyes in an elderly face. I smiled, "I'm fine, thank you. How are you?" He replied and sat down in another booth. I went back to reading Facebook. A moment later, he turned around and said, "Miss, are you here alone? Do you need breakfast?" It surprised me momentarily as I am not used to elderly gentlemen randomly offering to buy me breakfast. I smiled at him again and said, "Thank you, but my husband is over there getting our food." He smiled back, "Ah, that is good. You see a lot of people alone sometimes and whenever I have money, I try to help in any way I can. I've been a Christian for 67 years and this is just want I do." My heart melted. How sweet. He was eating alone. I thanked him again and told him my hubby took great care of me, but I was so thankful for his offer. Being satisfied, he turned around and started eating his food and my hubby arrived with our food. As we started to eat, I told him about the gentleman's offer of breakfast and how good it made me feel.

As we were leaving, I stopped by the booth and thanked him again. His face crinkled up in a smile as he looked up at us and told my hubby he just wanted to make sure I was taken care of and he didn't see me with anyone. My hubby in turn thanked him for looking out for me. Our elderly friend went on to tell us he was 80 years old and had been in real estate for 22 years. He asked if we were from this area and we replied and introduced ourselves. He seemed genuinely pleased at our introduction and I noticed the thin gold wedding band along with his well-kept clothes. He didn't look 80 and I noted that his smile reached his eyes. We thanked him and wished him a very happy Thanksgiving.

I walked out into the cold morning all warm and toasty inside. It isn't often you see random acts of kindness that is real and not fake. It stayed with me all day until I realized I could have easily repaid the kindness. He was alone and elderly. I could have asked him if he was spending his Thanksgiving holiday with family and if he was alone, I could have invited him to share our heavily laden Thanksgiving table.

For several Thanksgivings now, there have been people share our table who aren't related to everybody. This is my family and I am proud that we don't have to celebrate with just family or people we are comfortable with. Now, I bet some of you are freaking out right now at the thought of inviting a total stranger into your home. In this day and age, it isn't something that would be considered safe and I can tell you this isn't something I would do with everybody, but there are times you can get a real first impression about a person and know you are safe. This gentleman was one of these exceptions. I will always forever wonder what blessing I missed out on by not making sure he had Thanksgiving plans.

Last year, my pastor at the time asked the congregation to write a list of things we are thankful. I actually blogged my list last year and I read it again. Now, Thanksgiving is more than just one day; we can strive to be thankful all year, not just one day. We are given many blessings along with our hard times all year long. However, I like the idea of writing a list of what I am thankful for. This year is a little different than last, but in many ways so much more meaningful.

This Thanksgiving, I am once again surrounded by family who have shown me so much love and support this year. My hubby is still in love with me despite those moments that he wonders if his hormonal wife will ever be back to herself and not dissolve into tears at the least little thing. LOL! My parents have changed their routine and lives to include us in their house and I am so thankful we all get along despite moments of nuttiness. We have had serious scares this year with both Mamo and Poppy, but how blessed I am that they are the next house down now and I have the privilege of walking down, curling up and spending time with them. Precious, precious memories! I am losing my job, but I am thankful for the experience I have gained and even in moments of worry when I wonder how it will all work out, I am determined to believe this is just another chapter that will be for my good. I am so thankful for my coworkers who have become much more than coworkers and have became friends, especially Mrs. J (who started with me my first day on the job) and Mrs. C.

My hubby and I had our lives and directions completely turned upside down this year and as a result, we are a part of a different church and we have been welcomed with open arms and big hearts. Of course, I am so thankful for my four earth-bound angels, the Mrs' D, K, W and V - each of you have brought so much into my life and there are no words to tell you how thankful I am for you; for getting me through my first trimester with words of encouragement and much prayer; for the daily chats and showing me so much love. The list of people who have prayed us through this spring and rejoiced with us this summer is long and, trust me when I say each of you have warmed my heart and I will never forget the kindness you have shown to us.

Mostly, thank you God for all the first wonderful moments I have had this year, of seeing another little heart flicker with life, hearing that wonderful heartbeat of our lil miracle awaiting to be born and thank you so much for protecting us this far. You see, we have reached another Huge Milestone this week. Only by the grace and loving mercy of God, we have reached the "point of viability," the week where Baby Girl is considered viable and given a shot of survival if she decides to come early, which we pray every day she does not! This holiday has so much more meaning for me as I feel her little movements that fills me with thanks for my blessings and fill me with such hope.

I love words and love expressing myself by writing, but I am finding myself more and more without adequate words at such moments of joy. My heart swells in praise and gratitude - truly "joy unspeakable" and I am thankful I am confident God can feel my wordless gratefulness and praise.

I hope this Thanksgiving all of you are surrounded by loved ones and each of you have too many blessings to be counted and all of us can say with love and thankfulness, "God bless us everyone!"

Perspective

Perspective...we all need a little perspective sometimes. One of my favorite movies is incredibly about a rat who can cook. I know "rat" and "cook" should not be in the same sentence. I'm not sure why I like this movie so much, maybe it is my inner underdog who always roots for the loser or maybe because it is set in Paris. Whatever the reason, I can watch this movie over and over. The quote that springs to mind right now is "...you provide the food, I'll provide the perspective."

I had perspective handed to me on a platter last Sunday night when we had a missionary speak at church Sunday night. Some of the things he said shook me to the core and has stayed with me. He spoke of mafia and cartels. He told of a little girl coming home crying, talking about bullets whizzing by them while they were running from their playground at school. The church was silent as he informed us about evil men hanging children off of bridges. I squirmed as his solemn voice echoed telling us about a small boy who was kidnapped and because the poor family could only come up with half of the ransom, the kidnappers returned half of their son. It wasn't something a expectant mommy-to-be wants to hear and I prayed that night that my mind would clear so I wouldn't have nightmares, since my dreams are quite vivid right now.

To us in America, stories such as this sound like a Hollywood movie plot; you know, one of those that Hollywood has taken the evil and tragedy of life and portrayed it with effects and stunts on the big screen so people can be scared for 2 hours or get more ideas for more evil...whichever way you want to look at it. I have no idea, but how many movies would you say are out there that talks about kidnapping and the ruthlessness of the mafia and drug cartels? In my humble opinion, I think these horror movies or suspense dramas has the potential to breed more evil and desentize young minds. Yet, the accounts the missionary shared with us were true, real to life. These very real people have suffered horribly at the hands of evil men. It is easy to close our eyes and comfort our hearts by saying, "It is just a movie" so we don't have to dwell on the horror that some people live with on a daily basis.

This is not the first missionary I have heard. Earlier this year, I sat mesmerized as a young woman told of witchcraft in India where evil is like a haze over the city and young women shave their heads as sacrifices to the gods. Her experiences in a land where snake charmers exist was compelling.

You see, my life lately has consisted of dreams about a baby girl and baby furniture, nursery bedding, piggy banks and diaper bags with the name of Petunia Pickle Bottom. I am always conscious of the miracle I carry and my thoughts are filled with pink. This isn't necessarily bad. In fact, I believe it is normal for a woman to be over-obsessed who has waited for so many years to shop for her long-awaited sweet baby. But as I sat and my imagination visualized what the missionary was telling us, it all seemed so very small in the big picture. There my thoughts have been consumed about how to create this exquisite nursery on a tiny budget when there are families desperately trying to save enough money to keep their children safe and wondering where they were going to get the money to pay the drug-cartel or mafia for "protection". I sat ashamed. Had I neglected to give thanks to the One who has allowed us to be happily in this place of expectancy? No, not at all. Had I forgotten this is all material and temporal anyway? No, not completely. In my excitement over our upcoming baby daughter, had I forgotten to pray, to cultivate my relationship with Him? No, but there is always room for improvement.

As I listened to my doctor admonish me on Tuesday that while things are progressing, I am still high risk and need to stay down and rest, I was again reminded of just how quickly we forget. I hadn't forgotten Baby Girl is a miracle - quite the opposite. It is always in the back of my mind that our outcome is still unknown and the moment she is in my arms will be a gift, a result of many, many prayers. I still tremble at times at the thought of losing her, but yet I don't dwell on it. I can't, and I know our lives are all in God's hands.

Later this week, perspective was on my mind again. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things to stress about the negative things in life? While sometimes we all want our apologies and admittance of wrong from those that have hurt us, is it really necessary when we think of what we have been given, the positive things in our lives and our less than shiny moments? Once again I faced the big picture.

I guess what I want to say here is thanks; thanks to the missionary who reminded me while I can be excited and prepare for Baby Girl, I must never forget the real purpose of my life. Thanks for the events in my life that teach me while some things may be huge to me now, they won't always be so and even the hard-to-understand things are for a greater purpose and plan. And God, thanks for allowing me to do a personal thing I thought I needed to do only if it was for my benefit, to see the bigger picture and gain some perspective that it really wasn't necessary. Thanks for letting me be me, all the while gently reminding me I can be a better, wiser, forgiving, unselfish ME.

Why should I worry?

I'm losing my job. It is very weird for me to say this and even stranger to write those words. I'm in my fifth month of incubating my lil miracle and I am faced with the loss of half of our income and all of our insurance. Not the most ideal time or situation...or is it?

I am a medical transcriptionist turned voice recognition editor. I like my job simply because it has allowed me to stay home and go to "work" in my pajamas. I worked very hard to get where I am so I could stay at home and work. I have been working for a good company affiliated with a national organization. This used to be a comfort to me since if it was necessary I could move across the country and if there was an opening in an affiliate, I would have a job.

My company made a decision to plunge into the Big Bad World of Voice Recognition, all the while telling us that computers are not humans and we would just transition from being transcriptionists to editors. We didn't have a choice in the matter except to fearfully accept the change. Now six months later, I sat in a meeting Monday night and listened to my boss's boss tell us the decision had been made to have a "reduction in force." Not that we were surprised; we had gone from 40 hours to 20 hours a week. Due to the effectiveness of the Big Bad Voice Recognition, we had effectively been worked right out of our jobs. The "reduction" will be by seniority, one of the most unfairest rules in companies in my opinion. Of course, we were informed there will be severance packages based on years of service and perhaps an option at other employment, but it doesn't take away the fact that we are losing our jobs.

This is just another change in a year that has been full of changes.

I have been watching my baby bump for signs of growth and continuing seeing my doctor every week. I have also been in a state of great anticipation since we expected the last four weeks to find out if baby is a boy or girl. Each Friday we have been somewhat disappointed as the little stinker decided to have a party in there, even though the doctor and I both were straining to find out baby's secret.

Last Friday started out no differently than any other Friday. It had been a rough week as the previous Friday I had received the flu shot with, of course, inactivated vaccine. Friday, I got up and started work. Everything normal until two hours in, I got one of the worst scares of my life. I won't go into details, way too personal, but suffice it to say I called doctor immediately and left a STAT message while desperately holding back the flood of tears. Doctor immediately called back, inquired if I was having other symptoms (which I wasn't) and as I had an appointment at 2:20, very calmly told me to rest, feet up, and plenty of fluids until then. This was a measure of comfort since I knew if my doctor was worried, he would see me immediately or tell me to go to the hospital.

I went to Mamo's and cried on her shoulder while Poppy kept telling me, "Sis, don't worry! That lil Peanut is fine. God has it all under control!" Mom came home early, of course, and we waited anxiously until time to be at doctor's. Once in the room, I poured out my tale of woe to my nurse and listened as she told me it probably wasn't what I was thinking and what all those BAD internet sites were saying wasn't true. Doctor didn't ask me how I was when he walked in the room; he already knew, with one look at my tear-streaked face. He calmly proceeded to reassure me with a very good explanation and then said those words I love hearing so much, "Let's take a look at this baby." A minute later I am looking at that wonderful flicker of light that assures me a heart is still beating away and I watch as my lil miracle plays with hands and feet. Doctor tells me everything is fine and points out all the usual organs and reassures me, "Your baby is absolutely perfect."

Now that Mom and I were both relieved, our focus changed to the Big Question: Is Baby a boy as what we had been thinking for almost 8 weeks? We watched as Doctor manuevers the wand and then says those magic words I never thought I would hear: "It's a girl." So nonchalently! I grab my mom's hand as we both say, "WHAT?!" He is examining very closely and says, "She is definitely a little girl" and I watch as he types those wonderful words on the screen GIRL! My mom is barely refraining from dancing a happy jig and I burst into tears. Happy tears, mind you! Doctor is grinning and telling me everything is fine, that he has been monitoring certain things very early on and I'm showing no signs of that frightening condition called pre-term labor. Everything is as it should be, though I am still considered high risk. Then he laughs and tells me, "She just stuck her tongue out at you!" I'm bawling as I explain my disbelief that there is a lil girl in there and I am finally going to give my daughter mine and Mamo's middle name, Rose. And, oh my, once Baby Girl is here I can have that fourth generation picture I've always dreamed about. It is a miracle! My doctor is listening to all this outpouring with a smile on his face. Mom and I float out of the office with huge smiles on our faces like we had just won the lottery or something. We make it to the car where we immediately get on our phones. I call Daddy who is at work anxiously waiting to see if his wife and baby are okay and I say words we have so longed to say, "Babe, we are having a girl." Let's just say he didn't believe me. It took about five times saying those six little words before he finally believed me. He is getting his Daddy's Girl. Mom calls my Dad who doesn't quite believe her either. Frankly that day, everybody I called didn't believe me or screamed in happy surprise...except for one, my Poppy! Poppy has told us since day one that Baby was a girl. Even when I came and told him doctor was betting on a boy, he still maintained Baby is a girl. Needless to say, he is still crowing and we must never doubt his instinct again.

By Sunday, the car seat, stroller and pack-n-play was ordered, all a matched set in pink and chocolate brown. The only thing not quite figured out is the crib and nursery decor. I was so set on a boy, I had everything picked out and didn't even bother looking at girl nurseries. Funny, I am actually going to miss buying my boy nursery; I have loved it for so long.

Monday was another Important and Long-Awaited for milestone. I never imagined how it would be carrying my baby daughter, much less feeling those flutters for the first time that assure me she is very much alive and probably doing little flips in there. I am convinced I am going to spend most of this journey in tears since each event I succumb to tears of relief and joy. Feeling her for the very first time was amazing and I shared it immediately with my hubby and Mom as tears are welling up in my eyes.

Being so overjoyed, finding out I am okay, Baby is okay, Baby is a Girl and then joy at her announcing she is definitely with me, how could anything bad happen? That isn't the way it is supposed to happen right? No, of course not. But it did happen. Just because things are going great and you are feeling so much joy doesn't mean that something you didn't want to happen can't happen. This is life. Just as good, wonderful things happen, so does bad things happen. I have already been told those infamous words that everybody says when something goes wrong, "When a door closes, another door is opening." Now I know this is true in a sense that yes, when something changes, it does open the door for more change. Everything will be okay, just a different okay than maybe what was imagined. I could look at this very negatively, but then why should I? What if this is a very answer to prayer, the beginning of something fantastic?

It has always been my dream to not just have a baby, but be there to take care of Baby; be there as she smiles for the first time and tries to talk to me the first time; see her eyes follow me because she knows I am her mother; watch her crawl for the first time and takes those very first baby steps. I've dreamed about the day I would hear from those sweet lips the words "Ma-ma" or "Da-da." I've imagined all my life what it would be like to hold my baby daughter and raise her and have her be my little shadow. It is a wonderful dream. Now that Baby Girl is on her way, the desire to experience all those firsts is very prevalent in my thoughts. I realize this is a dream that in this day sometimes isn't possible.

So the question remains, "Is a career for me?" It may be necessary financially, but what if this is my chance, in a roundabout way, to enjoy perhaps what will be my last pregnancy and my only child? Sure, I won't be oblivious and I will look very closely at the offers that may be presented to me and I realize $800 a month to continue my health insurance so my doctor will still be my doctor might not exactly be easy, but who is going to hire a pregnant lady who is high risk and expects to be out having her baby in a couple of months? Doesn't God sometimes give us "obstacles" in our lives that really is His way of leading us to something better? I have experienced this in my life, just this year. Hasn't He guided us through each valley, each heartbreak, to the other side, the other door?

When I was interviewed for my job, I actually came home and told my family I didn't think I would want to work there, but yet, it was the exact job for me. God's hand was leading then, so why wouldn't I trust now that even though losing my job is a product of our economy, He knows all about this and again will work it out for my best. I find it strange that I have had countless women since Monday night tell me, "Take this time, stay home, enjoy the last of your pregnancy, have your baby, enjoy being a mommy for the very first time and then after a while if it is absolutely necessary worry about a job."

I had my first job when I was 14 and I have been working since then despite six surgeries and illnesses. The 832 days my hubby was searching for a job, I was fortunate to work and by God's grace, his unemployment and my income kept us afloat. From what has transpired this year, moving in with my parents to prepare for fertility tests only to find out Baby Girl was already with me, the whole first trimester bed rest, having my family surrounding me throughout the highs and lows of this journey, I know we are in the exact place we need to be, the place that was planned for us before we even knew and just perhaps this is my time...my time to realize my dream of becoming a mother; my time to have a little girl in ruffles, jean and flip-flops; my time to see all those firsts I have so longed for...my very special time God planned for me.

The song says, "He is more than enough" and countless scriptures promise He will never forsake us, He knows what we need even before we ask and He reminds us to cast all our care on Him. We can't handle the burden sometimes and really we aren't supposed to...that is His job. I know a lot of people that just believe what will be will be, it is what it is, but I prefer to stand on faith that this life isn't just a rollercoaster of mindless ups and down and pure luck. Yes, there are plenty of ups and downs in life, but it is much more comforting to know Somebody who knows the stars by name has my back even though I may not be able to see Him. Doesn't the song say, "So let the storms rage high, the dark clouds rise, they won't worry me for I am sheltered safe within the arms of God?"

Baby Girl's health is much more important than time spent fretting. Oh yes, paying $800 to keep my doctor is present in my mind, but Baby Girl is worth it all. Each day I am living my dream and God willing soon I will meet my daughter...that is what I will focus on and God can take care of the rest.

September Love Letter

My sweet lil baby,

You did it! Mama and Daddy are so very proud of you! You grew all the way to the second trimester! Words seem so inadequate to describe my joy at this BIG milestone. Mama never thought she would ever get to ever say, "Baby and I are in the second trimester." Yet here we are! I have watched each week as you have grown and kicked and sucked your thumb. You make Fridays such a special day! I wish all the time I could peek in your little world every day, but so appreciative I can see you once a week. Mama felt like she was walking on sunshine today as she left the doctor's office. Baby, you have no idea how much happiness you're giving your parents and family! I know when you arrive, your sweet little face will be covered in kisses to show you how happy we are.

Today was a very big day for you and me. I graduated to a "regular" ultrasound because you are finally big enough to see through my layers of "fluff." Even after all these weeks, I still find myself holding my breath until I see that wonderful flutter that tells us your lil heart is still beating away. Then, I watch as you move and stretch and wiggle, every movement feeling me with so much joy and love. Last week, I told your grandma that I really can't imagine loving you more than I did at that moment, but today I found myself loving you even more than I did last Friday.

You were opening and closing your mouth today, maybe swallowing? I got to see your little button nose and wonder once more if you will take after me and have a little tip at the end or if you will take after your Daddy. I watched your spine move which was amazing. You are so teeny-tiny, just over 2.5 inches, but yet there was your spine as clear as could be! Grandma didn't really like the regular ultrasound because you weren't as clear as normal and she couldn't get a clear video and she has gotten used to seeing you so up close!

I was so unbelievably happy to see you today; this last week filled with strange pain had Mama so worried. However, Mama's doctor decided that you are at that point where you are growing so well and getting heavy so my muscles are working overtime to support you, so this new pain is a great thing and completely normal. This is such a relief to hear because Mama is so in love with you, she can't imagine what she would do without you. I watch with growing wonder as the little bump that tells me you are with me is slowly getting a little bigger each week. I am counting down the weeks until I feel you kicking. Your grandma and Mamo have told me this can be quite painful, but oh. I can't wait. So kick away, lil miracle!

Mama was a little worried that doctor would not see us every Friday since you have graduated into the next "semester," but the doctor said he has no intention of stopping seeing us now and will continue to see us every week until we can both be assured you are doing ok by kicking Mama! I'm so happy about this, Baby!! I'm counting down the weeks until I feel you; doctor says maybe about six more weeks, but I'm hoping I can recognize your little movements earlier than that. We've got about four more weeks until doctor says you can hear us! Grandma and Grandpa especially can't wait for this and they are lecturing Mama all the time to sing to you. It is a guaranteed thing you will recognize my voice since you are so close to me, but you can bet Daddy, Grandma and Grandpa are going to try their best to talk to you so much that when you are born, you will recognize their voices, too!

Baby, you are so blessed. There are wonderful people in Mama and Daddy's life that can't wait to meet you and are so happy with each passing week, that have shared in our joy and worry and I am so thankful for them. They have eagerly waited every Friday for videos or pictures of you! You are much loved and this warms Mama's heart. I'm really worried about when you are born, I won't want to let you go. I've waited so long for you to be in my arms, I'm afraid when they hand you to me, I won't give you up. I've always been able to share everything, even with being an only child, but I'm going to have to work at this! See, besides mine and Daddy's arms to cuddle you, you have your grandparents and Mamo and Poppy right next door just waiting to cuddle you, too! Of course, when you arrive, you are also going to have special visitors waiting to cuddle you and I'm so grateful for this. So, I've been thinking and it occurred to me, I will have you for all our lives, cherishing each moment of your miraclous life. Plus, when I need sleep from all the sleepless nights you will be giving me, it will be so nice to have loving arms to place you in while I sleep. This is going to work out just fine, Baby!

From the ultrasounds, the doctor is predicting you are a boy, but we won't know for sure until a couple of weeks. Of course we know lots of women that were told their babies would be a boy or girl around this stage and then several weeks later, the baby was just the opposite! Either way, I'm fine with you being a boy or girl. The great thing with you being a boy, I already have your nursery set picked out. Over a year ago, I was daydreaming and looked for hours online at baby nurseries. I think I have seen them all and I fell in love with this particular one. As soon as doctor told me, I thought, "finally, I get to have that super cute nursery set!" I find myself dreaming about Tonka trucks, Legos, an extensive collection of Hot Wheels and puppy dogs. This thrills my tomboy heart! Of course, I have to wonder if you will be my "redheaded little terror!" It's fine with me, but Grandma says I do not know what I pray for. I've never raised a little boy, but I promise you I will do my best. I'm all for you being 100% boy, out in the mud and dirt, but I hope we can raise you to be a little gentleman, just like your Daddy.

You occupy my thoughts from morning to night. I wonder if you will favor me or Daddy or some ancestor we don't know. I hope if you are a boy, you will take after Daddy and grow tall. I hope you have an imagination like me even though I suspect it will get you in trouble at different times! Of course, your family all hopes you take after Daddy and be laidback and not worry over anything. I have teased your Daddy so many times about riding on a cloud and never worrying about a thing. Your Daddy's favorite words to Mama are "everything is going to be all right." They have teased your Mama unmercifully about the amount of worrying I do. They all enjoy this immensely and even tease me that when you are born, you are going to cry and say, "Ohhhh, Mama I'm scwared!!!!! Put me back in!!!!" This may not sound so funny, but if you could have seen your Grandma when she was imitating you, you would know why we laughed until it hurt; it was a riot.

In all seriousness, Baby, I do pray we can raise you to have simple faith and never worry, but leave it all in God's hands. Your Mama has been trying to master this for years; what can I say? I am a work in progress. You will be dedicated to God when you are tiny because we understand such a gift is only on loan from your Creator. I understand the best way to teach is by example and your parents are praying we can always be the right example to you. We will make mistakes because Baby you don't come with a manual, but we have had the privilege in watching parents around us and we have seen great examples of parents as well as not so great. I know your Daddy thinks about his childhood growing up with an absentee father and he is determined you will never know anything except the love of two people committed to God, each other and you. I admire and respect this quality in him. He is so excited to meet you and teach you things he wasn't taught, but had to learn. He loves you so much and even though he is not a chatterbox like your Mama, he is a rock and solid in his faith. While he teaches you manly things, I hope to instill in you among other things a gentle heart, compassion for others and a Godly heart full of love for others. You are changing our lives in ways we haven't even figured out yet and I can't wait to see how you will help us to be better people.

I have thought so much about Hannah lately. She was not the only woman in the Bible to suffer infertility, but her story of how she handled such heartache has been a great inspiration to me. I can only imagine the joy she had in her heart when her gift, Samuel, was born. I pray to experience such joy in March. Her prayer after Samuel is in her arms is the ultimate praise of every woman who has longed to experience of wonder of motherhood. As that was Hannah's prayer, God willing when aI experience the awesomeness of a child placed in my arms in March, the remainder of her prayer will be also my vow. "For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him. Therefore also I have lent him to the Lord; as long as he liveth he shall be lent to the Lord."

I love you,

Mama

Oh the Joy of Cravings!

I never quite understood how cravings were really for real and I wouldn’t be satisfied until that craving was fulfilled.  I never realized how severely my hormones would be out of whack and I would dissolve into tears over the silliest of things!  This has been my week and it has been a source of amusement and concern.

It all started Saturday morning.  My mom hung up the phone from talking to Mamo, begging and pleading with her to go to the ER, with Mamo steadfastly refusing. She then comes to the bedroom to check on me and finds me sitting in the middle of the bed crying.  Scared to death, she stopped dead still and asked me what in the world was wrong.  This was my reply:  “I want hot tea and scones with lemon curd and hot savories and we don’t have any and I want shrimp and I can’t have shrimp either.  And Mamo doesn’t feel good!”  All this was said between gulps and sobs.  Mom looked at me and then suddenly cracked up in peals of laughter.  She laughed so hard she couldn’t talk and had to sit down.  In the middle of this, my befuddled mind did realize how absurd and funny my statement was, so now I am laughing in between sobs.  I think my mom laughed for a good three minutes straight.  When she finally did stop laughing she just had to call Mamo and tell her. So now, Mamo is laughing too!  I am sitting there wanting to cry at them laughing at me, yet wanting to laugh because I realize how absurd everything is.  I have no clue what is up with me.  I crave lemon like it is going out of style!  Lemon curd on hot fresh scones, lemon cookies (specifically those wonderful melt-in-your-mouth Girl Scout Lemonades) and let’s not forget lemons in my water.  I have never been a person to like water or lemons in my water EVER.  Now, I can’t get enough.  Poor hubby had to make a special trip to the grocery store just for a bag of lemons.  One good thing is now that I have fresh lemons, I have no problem at all drinking my water.  Totally bizarre.  I am still craving my hot tea from a tea room.  My mind thinks about sitting there with fresh made tea with cream and little cubes of sugar and savories, fresh hot scones with lemon curd and strawberry jam, cucumber and cream cheese sandwiches and tomato and cheddar sandwiches, and wonderful bite-sized desserts!  I have told Mom and Aunt Kim the first Saturday Mamo is doing okay and I’m doing okay, we are going to make a trip to Pleasanton, Sutter Creek or San Jose for tea.  I am hoping Mamo and I feel up to it soon.   

Equally strange is my craving for jalapenos!  Ordinarily I do like hot salsa and hot stuff, but I’ve never been able to just eat a jalapeno.  Thankfully, last Saturday Aunt Kim was in the frying mood and her and Mom fried jalapenos stuffed with mozzarella, fried zucchini, squash, eggplant and onion rings.  Oh my, I was in food heaven!!!  I sat there tears in my eyes eating jalapenos, throat on fire, but oh, the flavor was so good!  And finally that craving was satisfied. 

I’ve tried to be careful about what I put in my mouth, but oh, how I have craved fried carbs!  I could eat Chilis’ salsa and chips 24/7 along with pasta and watermelon Italian soda.  I haven’t really indulged my slight ice cream craving, but if I do, hubby makes a trip to Loards Ice Cream and gets me a pint of Almond Joy ice cream or mint chocolate chip.  I actually haven’t had ice cream in a while as I mostly crave real food and lemon water.  Foods that I normally crave, like tri-tip and steak, have been nonexistent.  It is weird, but steak and tri-tip sound totally gross to me.

The crying thing is just beyond funny.  One day last week, I cried because my hubby forgot to wash my favorite pair of pajamas!!!  Really, in my “normal” life I am not a sob sister and even now with my hormones all over the place it is rare that I out and out just cry.  Normally, the tears just well up in my eyes, with one or two escaping to run down my cheeks.  My family finds this extremely hilarious!  Mom made sure Aunt Kim heard about the “crying over tea” episode and shares the other hilarious things I find to sob about.  Dad blames the “hormonies” as he calls them and rolls his eyes.  Justin just looks at me with half concern and half merriment on his face, like he can never really figure out if this is good or bad. 

In my self defense, I must say part of all this emotion is due to Mamo being so ill and my dreaded return to work.  It really is a wonderful thing that baby is so healthy my doctor feels confident in ending bed rest and I do realize this miracle and am so grateful, but oh, how I dread the stress of work and losing all that sleep.  I have gotten very partial to my sleep.  You would think after years and years of getting up at ungodly hours like 4:30 a.m., my body would be used to it and my internal alarm clock would be set at these hours.  Yeah right!  It doesn’t matter if I fall asleep early or late, my internal alarm clock wakes me up consistently between 9:00 and 9:30!!!  If I do get up earlier than that, you can guarantee I will be back asleep very soon.  As it is, I can wake up at 9:30 and by 1:00, my eyes are droopy and I’m down for the count for a good three or four hours.  This week especially, Mamo and I have enjoyed long afternoon naps.  Hearing this makes my doctor very happy and he assures me all this sleep is a great thing. 

The big news is that we are DAYS away from the second trimester!!!!!!  This seems so unreal to me, sometimes I feel as if I’m in a very happy dream.  The second trimester (or as Dad says, semester) has always seemed like this unreachable goal and now here I am just days away.  I was stunned yesterday when my doctor looked at me with a huge grin and said, “You are 1/3 of the way done!”  I’ve reached the point where the risk factor significantly decreases and you can’t even imagine how happy I am about that! I’ve got six months to go and oh I hope these six months go by quickly!  How I long to hold this baby in my arms and see for myself little eyes, ears, nose, mouth, fingers and toes!  We are also several weeks away from finding out positively if we are going to be decorating with pink or blue!  I’ve already got a nursery set picked out for a little boy and I’m still looking for a little girl. 

Our lil miracle is due in March and the timing is significant to me.  Whenever I thought about March 2012, heartache enveloped me because it would be a whole year since losing our last sweet baby and now, God willing, I will be cuddling my precious newborn!  I don’t think it is a coincidence and God’s way of showing me once again He does share my sorrows and knows my deepest desires.

Yesterday, we had such a precious moment with our baby.  When we first saw the baby, I almost had a freak out moment because the baby was so still.  Even though we could see the heartbeat the baby was totally not moving and my heart just stopped, but the doctor quickly assured me Baby was perfectly fine, just resting.  He moved me a little and Baby responded with a jerk, almost like he was startled.  Baby stretched, crossed little legs at the ankles (which I thought was so cute) and then wonder of wonders, brought the little hand to the mouth and started sucking his thumb!!!!  What a moment!  I had heard from other people about seeing their baby sucking a thumb, but you really can’t visualize until you actually see it for yourself!  We did get some movement which reassured me, but Baby was definitely intent on sleeping, and if Baby could talk I’m sure we would’ve heard, “Pleeease, don’t bother me. I’m sleeping here!” 

Baby was content to lie there sucking his thumb while doctor measured, listened to the heartbeat, and showed us all the pertinent limbs and organs!  It is such an amazing thing to see the baby and hear the heartbeat.  I never get used to it and I could listen to that sound all the time.  It is a wonder to me even in utero it is a baby’s instinct to suck his thumb, comforting itself back to sleep.  I still can’t get over it today!  And it was so cute seeing the baby’s legs crossed.  Mom reminded me I sleep that way and so does my dad.  All in all, it was a great doctor visit but by the time we left I was very, very sleepy myself and had a nasty headache.  The last couple of Fridays have been this way with a headache and so very tired.  Yesterday was especially bad and I fell asleep talking to Mom on her bed, which is why I’m posting on Saturday. 

Mom has started scrapbooking Baby’s ultrasound photos and I hope to do a few pages myself this week.  I am so blessed that from six weeks, I have been able to see for myself how much Baby has grown each week and have photos to record that growth.  What precious days these are!  Mom remarked yesterday that God must surely be helping Baby growing and staying one day ahead in growth just so this little Mama won’t worry!

I must thank all of you for prayers for my Mamo.  Monday morning, I was so shocked when she called me and asked if biscuits and gravy sounded good.  I’ve been really careful to see that Mamo doesn’t really cook for me so I knew it was a good sign she wanted to make breakfast.  Of course, I got up and rather anxiously walked next door to Mamo’s.  Going into the kitchen, I looked carefully at her face and was so happy to see that awful grey pallor was gone and her color was normal!  I could’ve danced a happy jig right then and there.  Her voice sounded stronger, too.  We ate breakfast and I told her I was so happy she was feeling better, but she needed to take a nap and take it easy.  I didn’t want her relapsing.  Now, Mamo is a strong minded person and normally when you tell her to take it easy, she just kinda brushes you aside, but now when she gets tired we take a nap.  Mom was equally happy and thankful when she got home from work and saw for herself Mamo was better.  All week, that horrifying scary grey pallor has been absent and she has been feeling better.  We are so thankful for this!  I am hoping and praying she continues to get her strength back.

This morning, my wonderful Mom got up and made scones and I finally got to eat my lemon curd while drinking red velvet chocolate tea!  Such a yummy breakfast!!!  I’m sure Baby appreciated it, too!  The lemon curd tasted as good as I thought it would and finally my craving is satisfied…until next time…lol!

Fantastic Fridays: Trust and Faith

I am not a theologian, but to me trust and faith go hand in hand.  I don’t know how you can have one without another.  I trust and  have faith that the sun will rise tomorrow and there will be a sunset.  It seems so simple, yet trusting and having faith can be so hard to do.  When it seems that life is dealing you an unfavorable hand, it can be so hard to trust that everything will be okay.  I look back at hard times in my life and I see now how God was moving in my life to bring me to this place and this moment, but at the time I didn’t understand. 

Moving in July was so very difficult for me.  I made the decision willingly because I thought we would be preparing to spend a pretty penny in fertility testing and treatments, but giving up our lil house and moving in with my parents was NOT the way I thought our life was supposed to go.  I even had so many questions. Why us and what had we done wrong?  Why does it seem we’ve had heartache around every bend?  It was ever present in my mind that if Justin hadn’t lost his job, things might be completely different.  We were poised for a great year with both of us working and full of big plans; however, as I look back  I realize now those 832 days of Justin being unemployed were the making of us.  Our marriage grew so much stronger.  Our eyes became more focused on God.

 Now I have to smile because here I am on bed rest with our lil miracle, and I see the path and God’s plan to bring me to this place and I am content and happy.  Maybe for some the situation isn’t ideal, but for me at this moment, it is perfect.  Trust…

Every week it is a leap of faith for me not to dwell on what could go wrong and trust that my baby is in the safest of hands – God.  As the song that is playing says, He is our hiding place.  Whenever I am afraid I will trust in You.  This really hit home this week.  To look at me, you wouldn’t be able to tell I carry a lil miracle within me.  Our baby is hidden from the world, only visible by ultrasound at this point.  This whole time, Baby is growing and developing and even I am only given a glimpse of his/her world on Fridays.  Still, from the very beginning, our Creator has seen our baby.  When it was just cells, He knew our baby.  Even now when we are wondering if our baby is a boy or a girl, God knows.  This is fascinating to me!  He knew our baby before it was formed and He knows who this child is destined to be.  He knows the future for our child! 

This hiding place that God designed especially for babies has betrayed me before, but yet it was created for a safe place where a baby can grow, do flips, be nourished and kick away until it is time to be born.  What a comfort to know that while I can’t see inside my child’s world every day and every moment, our Heavenly Father is always watching over the both of us.

Our baby put on quite a show for Mama and Grandma today!  Baby’s Daddy had to work so Grandma got to go and this was the first time for her to see her grandbaby kicking away and being a wiggle-baby!  In fact, we have on video the baby raising his/her arms and hands above the head.  I joked baby was already raising his/her arms in joy, saying, “Look what I can do, Mama!!”  The whole time we were watching, the baby was moving and we couldn’t take our eyes off the screen!!!  I have to wonder if this is a glimpse into my future, chasing after very energetic baby! J 

The doctor took so much time today to point out a very strong little chin, little eyes, tiny knees, tiny elbows, and the fingers and toes were even more on display today.  Our baby is measuring a day ahead which just delights my heart!  I am so comfortable with my doctor and just so thankful, I have no problem verbally thanking God each week for another week of life when I get that first glimpse of that heartbeat!!  I just say out loud, “Thank you God!” This may sound funny to some of you but when you have been where I have been, you realize and appreciate the wonder of a heartbeat!  I got so excited about seeing Baby move I was trying to tell my mom and all that came out was, “see Baby see Mama!”  That gives you an idea just how exciting this is to me!  I can’t even talk right!

We did get another piece of news today, one that I had mixed feelings about.  In two weeks, the doctor will be releasing me back to work.  Amazingly, things are progressing so normally with an apparent healthy baby and I am doing so well, so with each week that passes there is less reason for bed rest.  I am grateful for this.  I am really in awe that this is happening, however I won’t be free to be with Mamo all day long.  For this reason, I am sad.

My Mamo has been physically failing. We’ve been seeing this for a while, but it seems to be more prominent and she doesn’t seem to be bouncing back.  My Mamo has been and is a very strong woman.  She deals with more pain in one day than many of us have our whole lives.  Her case is in the research books from prominent teaching hospitals who have studied her.  It is a miracle she made it through birthing three children.  Pain is her way of life but she has always determinedly carried on with a smile and never a complaint. Now, she’s admitted to my mom that she is tired and weary and ready to go. We have never heard Mamo say anything like that EVER!!  I also know that Mamo doesn’t want pity or sympathy and perhaps she probably would not be happy knowing I’m sharing it with you.

Lately, I have spent more than a couple of nights in tears because of this and sending up desperate prayers for more time.  I have always prayed for more time with Mamo.  When I was younger, I prayed that she would live to see me married.  As soon as I was married, I prayed that she would be alive to hold my firstborn.  I am thankful that two of my younger cousins have had that moment with her, but I want that moment. I have dreamed of having a “fourth generation” photoshoot with Mamo, Mom, my child and me.  Now, God willing, this lil miracle will be arriving next year and I find myself begging God to please answer my prayer for that one moment. 

Last night as I lay in bed with tears rolling down my cheeks praying for more time, my mind went a different direction and one that I wasn’t completely ready to accept.  How can I be so selfish to pray for Mamo to stay here in pain every day?  

Some of you know that when I lost my last little baby I had an amazing experience when I was unconscious. Because of that wonderful experience, I know the peace and love she will feel when she feels His arms around her.  I know the awe and wonder she will know when she crosses that crystal river in all its brilliance, when she glimpses Heaven.  Most of all, she will be free of all pain. 

What really hit home last night was the thought of her “welcoming committee.”  On that day in March when I looked across the river to that small group of souls gazing at us with so much love, I couldn’t see their faces.  I without a doubt they knew me and were special to me, but in spite of my desire their faces eluded me.  Was one of them my beloved Granny Tosh or my Uncle Jimmy who was a great prayer warrior in every sense of the word?  Was the tall one my Pa, Dad’s father?  I don’t know those answers, but Mamo will see their faces so clear.  She will see the loved ones she has lost and mourned.  There will be no pain or sorrow as they welcome her into Paradise, only joy and that overwhelming feeling of love. 

In the previous months when life would get too tough I have closed my eyes and remembered, being transported in my mind to that place, my hiding place.  I realized more last night what a gift was given to me when I was held.  When Mamo leaves there won’t be any questions as to what awaits her or where she is at.  I can’t say I have completely accepted her leaving us because I simply can’t imagine living in a world where Mamo doesn’t.  I pray that I get to hand her my firstborn and see that look of love on her face, but this is where trust and faith come in once again.  I don’t want Mamo to linger and be in so much pain.

I prayed last night that God would give me courage for that moment when it comes and once again, I was reminded of words that were told to me in March:  “I will give you the courage you need.”  There will be a hiding place I will be able to go to mourn and where I will be comforted.  His strength will be enough when mine is no longer enough.  This is a promise to us. 

“He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.”  This means when we experience wonderful joy and laughter while my baby waves or when we experience heartbreaking sorrow when we say goodby to those we hold so dear, He is in control and He has a plan. And I am learning His plan is always best and for our best. Even as God knows my baby’s days before he/she takes his/her first breath, each of our days are numbered and it is all part of a bigger plan.  There is comfort in the trusting.



Fantastic Friday: The Miracle of Life

Life is a miracle.  The mere act of breathing is not something that we ourselves can even control.  The beginning of life, cells that become this tiny breathing, crying human being is nothing short of miraculous.   Job said we are fearfully and wonderfully made and I am seeing this miracle week by week. 

Yes, you are reading this right!  God has blessed us with a lil miracle!  I still can hardly believe I am carrying a lil’ life within me!  I have been half in shock ever since I found out.  I was having so much pain I never suspected.  In fact, I was so sure I had no qualms moving, lifting boxes, scrubbing baseboards and shampooing when we were moving.

According to my wonderful doctor, this pregnancy is quite normal!!  The pain means the baby is growing!  The back pain that scared me so bad this week is quite normal as the baby is doing flips in there and resting on rather sensitive areas.

I found out on a Thursday and the next Monday the doctor put me on bed rest.   By the next Monday, I was in his office scared to death.  I cannot tell you the magnitude of joy to see that precious heartbeat! 

I have been blessed with an amazing doctor!  He is seeing me every Friday, hence Fantastic Fridays.  He has monitored our baby from the beginning every Friday. I have had the wondrous pleasure of seeing Baby grow and another dream come true, hearing that awesome heartbeat!  It is one thing to see the flicker of light that is the heartbeat on the screen; it is quite another to hear that thump-thump!  Each Friday, I sit in the waiting room, heart pounding, and each Friday I have walked out grinning from ear to ear with another picture of my baby!  My doctor has done everything in his power to reassure this terrified mommy-to-be and himself.  At eight weeks, he took my hands in his, looked me in the eyes and said, “I think your baby is going to be all right.”  The growth measures exactly where it should and the heartbeat has increased each week to where it should be for a baby this early.  Because of my past history I am high risk so he is monitoring us, but we have all agreed he is also monitoring me to reassure all our minds.  I thank him over and over and I can’t say enough good things about my doctor.  Thank God that He gives some people the talent and the intelligence to become doctors!

Today, we saw our lil miracle and oh my word, I am overwhelmed with joy to see little tiny legs kicking away and a teeny hand going to the mouth!!!  The whole tiny body is wiggling in there squirming all around and doing a tiny flip to the wonderment of these adoring parents!  We even saw the tiniest, adorable toes!!!!  I dreamed about hearing that elusive heartbeat, I never even fathomed seeing my precious baby being a wiggle-worm!!!!  I’ve been crying off and on ever since just in amazement and thankfulness.  I am so grateful to be given this chance, this moment, to witness another miracle and one that is doing flips for Mama!!!  I think I literally floated out of the office today!  Oh and Baby’s daddy, he is just so awed all he can say is words like “awesome” and “wow”.  I believe my hubby fell in love with his child from the moment he saw that little flicker on that screen.  All he could do is stare in wonder and ask my doctor over and over, “That’s really the heartbeat?  It really is okay?” 

I am still in the first trimester, but I am further than I have ever been.  According to my doctor, this baby seems perfect from what he can see this early.  Every Friday, I will say my doctor is as excited as we are and leaves with a big grin on his face.  

The bed rest has been an adventure for me.  I am so used to working and cleaning that it is has been extremely hard to sit or lie here and watch others clean and do laundry.  I don’t do a thing.  It is imperative that I don’t and I follow my doctor’s order to the T. 

I am so thankful we moved!  I am next door to Mamo and Poppy now and that means I have spent every day with Mamo.  She has been there during the day when I’m scared and I have been there with her when she isn’t feeling well.  In fact, we have spent a lot of time in bed together.  Every night, Mom hugs me and tells me to go to sleep, say goodnight to anxiety, and lectures me to quit worrying.  Thank God for Mamas!  Dad has nicknamed our baby “Peanut.”  It has been quite an adventure.  He routinely will ask, “How is Peanut today?”  When you are going through a “normal,” yet scary time, having hubby and family near means the world!!!

 In January when I started going to the doctor for my previous baby, I always had a nurse who would take me back and see me before the doctor.  When we lost our baby, she was there to give me her condolences.  Two weeks ago when I was leaving my appointment, I ran into her and gave her the wonderful news.  We had quite the conversation and each Friday, I have given her updates and showed her our baby.  Today, I was all smiles and she gave me a hug and I was so excited I could hardly talk.  She looked at me and said, “You know, it is because of women like you why I work in this occupation.  I have seen the heartache you went through and I see nothing but joy and oh I’m so happy for you and your miracle.”  I thank God for my nurses and doctors who know the odds and are cheering us on!

Thank you to those who knew from the beginning and have prayed many prayers for us.  It means everything to me knowing there is prayer going up.  Every night, I pray, “God, let the brain develop and function correctly and be intelligent and recognize your awesomeness.  Let the eyes see the beauty of your creations and the ears hear.  Let the nose smell your fragrances and the mouth speak correctly and with love.  Give my lil miracle ten toes and eight fingers and two thumbs.  Bless baby with arms that will praise you and legs that will shout for joy.  Most of all, God, give this baby a heart full of you.  Give baby a heart full of joy, compassion, and love for the Creator and all God’s creations.  Always give us wisdom to raise this precious blessing the way a child should be brought up, to pleasure the One who gives us the miracle of Life. And God, most of all, keep Baby safe.”

For all of you out there still waiting for your miracle, don't give up hope!  Miracles do happen...I am living mine.

Thankful Thursday...

For special reasons, thankful Thursday is being changed to Fantastic Friday! I will be posting a special blog tomorrow evening. Check back then, but in the meantime I'm thankful for all the people I have in my life at this moment! All of you are special to me!!! To all of you who read this blog, thank you for all your kind comments and support!

Thankful Thursday: The Influence of Labels

Laura Ingalls.  Old-fashioned.  White.  Spoiled.  Snob.  Too dramatic.  Sickly.  Unaccomplished.  Redheaded=Horrible Temper.  Unpopular.  Failure.  Defective.  Issues.  Childless.  Endometriosis.  Fibromyalgia.  Depressed.  Pessimist.  Fat.  Standoffish. 

In the fourth grade, I learned what it was like to be on the wrong end of prejudice and how it felt to wear a label.  That day has been seared in my mind.  It seemed like just another school day until recess.  There I was, little white girl with two red braids hanging down my back, wearing one of my many dresses and LA Gear tennis shoes.  I was very smart in school, bringing home A’s in everything except in Math where I was and still am a total dunce, reading high school level and destined for a scholarship.  None of that helped that day.  I was playing and didn’t really pay too much attention to the group of the “popular” and tough kids that were walking up to me, closing around me.  At first the questions were innocent, ones I had dealt with before:  “Hey, why do you wear dresses all the time?  Why don’t you ever wear jeans?”  I replied like I had a thousand times in the past, “My parents are assistant pastors and it is our religious belief.” 

The taunts came first.  “Just like Laura Ingalls, you are Laura Ingalls.  Old-fashioned.  You’re stupid.  You’re so ugly in those homemade dresses and your hair is always in braids.  Laura Ingalls.  Laura Ingalls…”  I had heard this before and always managed to laugh and just resume playing.  It was a pain for sure, but never had really impacted in my life before.  The push to the ground was unexpected.  The kicks from two boys bigger than me were a shock.  I lay on the cement, my leg in pain, fighting tears, gasping for breath.  The physical pain was awful, the emotional pain unbearable, and two tears slid down my cheeks.  You can imagine what happened then.  No kid is supposed to cry.  There was laughter…”you’re not hurt, such a baby.”  I’m not sure what would have happened then, but the bell rang…literally saved by the bell. 

I don’t remember much about the rest of the day, other than my leg was in awful pain, hurt to walk and there was a huge black bruise forming on my thigh.  I was quiet when my mom picked me up, a rare thing for me.  I guessed I’ve blocked part of that day out of my mind because I don’t remember if Mom saw that huge bruise first or just kept asking why I was quiet…either way I finally told her.  That was the last day of public elementary school.  My mom became my teacher and I was homeschooled until my sophomore year of high school when I elected to go back.  If my mom had been the person she is today back then, I’m sure she would have reigned holy terror upon those school administrators! LOL!

Labels can be an awful thing.  Sadly, you hear them every day whether you know it or not.  You are either fat or skinny.  You are pretty or ugly.  You can’t escape them because labels are like first impressions.  There will always be that person who thinks (even though they would deny it) that they are superior to their peers.  There is always the popular girl, the one who gets the homecoming king, the house, the new car, and the two perfect kids.  On the other hand, there is always that kid in school who people call “nerd” and “geek” who wind up having letters behind their name, curing diseases and most of the time, lead a more accomplished life than the homecoming queen or sorority sister.

By the time I was in college, I was wearing so many labels, sometimes even I couldn’t recognize myself.  It is hilarious to me now, but in my younger years, I had this guy who wanted to marry me.  I will never forget, his parents actually told him, “You don’t want to marry her.  She is an only child and so spoiled, she will never make a good wife.”  I laugh when I think about that.  By 19, I had added another label:  Endometriosis.  By 22:  Fibromyalgia.  Common labels are bad, but, oh, the medical labels are much worse! 

Along the way, fortunately, I picked up some other labels:  Classy.  Nice.  Outgoing.  Loyal.  Compassionate.  Pretty.  Imaginative.  Intelligent.  Thoughtful.  Sweet.   For every bad label, there is a good label.  For a long time, it bothered me how people saw me, even though some of them were the results of growing pains and mistakes I’ve made.  We ALL have good sides and bad sides, everyone of us.  None of us are exempt from that.  I have found it is possible to change some of the bad elements of my personality and be a different person while some people still see me with some of the old labels.  Oh well.  No matter what labels we wear, we know who we really are inside.  It doesn’t matter if people see you now as one way, you have your whole life to change, grow, roll with the punches and mature.  We will constantly be growing and changing until the day we die.  That is life. 

That incident in fourth grade changed me forever.  It taught me that children who are bullies are actually to be pitied.  They are missing some part of their soul where compassion dwells. Bullies are usually always bullies.  It taught me to not make fun of those less fortunate, those different from me.  Throughout my life, I have always championed the so-called “underdog.”  I recently watched the movie “Facing the Giants” once again.  The football team was the underdogs, but they were determined to win and that is the funny thing about underdogs – they surprise the world when least unexpected!  I have so many friends from all walks of life, all ages, rich, and not-so-rich, leaders and followers.  I am blessed by that!  I can be thankful knowing that while I can’t change past mistakes, my future has infinite possibility!  I am thankful as the years go by and the hard knocks come, I can cultivate the good labels and work at losing the bad ones.  I am thankful I realize that appreciating decency and morality doesn’t make me old-fashioned. I know that encountering drama in my life doesn’t make me a necessarily a drama queen.  

Just like labels can be a bad thing, they can also be a good thing.  They can cause us to look at ourselves and make us determined to better ourselves.  They cause us to overcome.  Best of all, I’m thankful I have realized I really don’t have to “wear” any labels at all - I just can be me.   God did not create us to mirror others, only Him.  He created us to be the best unique selves we can be.  He created us to be special and every individual has something in them that sets us apart from everyone else.  We are His pleasure.

By the way, next month will be two years since the label “Fibromyalgia” was erased from my life, a miracle like none other.  God is SO good!

Thankful Thursday: They That Wait

Every Thursday for the month of August, I have decided to blog about thankfulness.  This will be an undertaking for me as I have never attempted to blog every week.  Sometimes we all need to encourage ourselves and this is me encouraging myself.  :)

It seems as I talk to friends, they are all going through something tough.  Some situations I know and others I do not, but whatever the case may be, my friends are weary, wondering when  their circumstances will change, when they will get their break.  I can relate to some of them as I have been in their shoes and walked the road they are walking.  Some of them I cannot relate too, but I can empathize.

As we walk this journey called Life, there are many roads we travel and many bridges we cross.  Some are blissful, even perfect moments, and others are not quite as blissful.  None of us like the paths that hurt, the paths that bring us to our knees.  We like the perfect moments, the time when for that second everything is right in our world.  However, if it wasn't for those roads we would so much like to bypass, we really wouldn't learn to appreciate the perfect moments in our life.  This has been a hard concept for me.  I would much prefer to tiptoe through the tulips and ride on a cloud.  I don't like to cry.   I don't want to hurt.  I don't want to walk the scary roads where doubt is on every hand and hope can be hard to find, where the only option is to trust that there is a plan and in the end, it will be all right. 

I am walking such a road right now.  I have walked this way before.  I knew it was a rough road, but I chose to return to walk it once again.  I am fighting the battle to keep faith, trust and hope in the forefront and doubt and fear in the rear.  The days are filled with sunshine and resolve not to worry; the nights are filled with anxiety and much desperate prayer.  I am on a medication.  I will not talk much about it at this point except to say it is to aid in our quest to one day hold our miracle baby in our arms.  It is VERY necessary I use this medication, but it has VERY nasty side effects. 

When I start a new medication I always read the precautions and warnings; that is just who I am. However, this time I didn't read the insert. Frankly, I didn't really want to know, because I knew it wouldn't change anything.  I would still take it.

This medication must be taken at night and therefore, in all good humor, I call it "my nightly torture."  Despite things that has happened in my life that caused me to be anxious, I was not fully aware of how real anxiety could feel.  I lie in bed and in about 15 minutes after my nightly torture, all of a sudden, I can't breathe. There is an elephant sitting on my chest, pain, a million thoughts roaring through my mind and soul, and the inevitable tears.  I cannot tell you about the first night this happened, the terror.  As I have a valid reason to be somewhat anxious, I worried what my body was telling me.  It wasn't until about two weeks later, my mom and I happened to read the side effects.  Worry was one of them, anxiety another.  Yes, the word "worry" was listed as a side effect. By that time, we had surmised it was the medication as it is not in my nature to be plagued by that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  My hubby has taken to holding me very tight and praying most fervently.  As he falls asleep, I continue silently, "God, it's me again"...until I fall asleep.  Sometimes I listen to uplifting songs and other times I peruse the Bible app on my iPhone.  Thank God for technology, right?  :)

"Perfect love casteth out fear."  Seems easy enough, but in reality when your back is up against the wall and the only way out is to walk through that valley full of fear and doubt, it can be a challenge.  I know in my heart that things are going to be all right even if they really aren't all right...in the end, everything happens for a reason and you get through it.  I have no problems trusting in the plan and the Creator of the plan.  I just know there is a plan!  I have enough faith to believe that the path I'm walking was chosen for me and obviously if I was chosen, then I will have enough courage and strength to walk it.  For several nights as I lay fighting to relax in the palm of His hand, a part of a scripture kept coming to mind.  "Hast thou not known?  Hast thou not heard..."  It was at that point I couldn't remember the rest and after a couple of nights of this, I looked it up.

"Hast thou not known?  Hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary?  there is no searching of his understanding."  Now maybe these words don't fill you with courage and the renewed will to fight, but it does me!  I "faint" sometimes!  I get weary!  When I can't understand the "whys" and get frustrated, I do say, "God are you there?  Do you know what is going on down here??"  We often dissolve tears at our situation.  Yet we have a powerful ally, the antianxiety

So, this Thursday, I am thankful for the anxiety because it causes me to look to the One who knows my dreams, hopes and my future.  I am thankful for such a medication that was invented to help millions of women (along with our Creator) finally hold their dream in their arms.   I am thankful for the knowledge that if everything isn't all right and my worst "fear" is realized, I will not be alone as I pick myself up and know in time, it will be all right.

For my friends who are fighting, waiting for their break, waiting for a job, waiting for their Prince Charming, waiting to hold a smiling baby in their arms, whatever the wait is for, this one is for you.  Take heart!  You are held and even if you can't feel His arms, they are there!  Know that He knows where you are at, He sees every tear, every desperate plea.  He will be your counselor, your strong tower, deliverer, shield and defense, healer, your beginning, your end and your very best friend.  I will remind of us all:  "They that wait upon the Lord SHALL renew their strength; they SHALL mount up with wings as eagles; they SHALL run, and not be weary; and they SHALL walk and not faint."