Why should I worry?

I'm losing my job. It is very weird for me to say this and even stranger to write those words. I'm in my fifth month of incubating my lil miracle and I am faced with the loss of half of our income and all of our insurance. Not the most ideal time or situation...or is it?

I am a medical transcriptionist turned voice recognition editor. I like my job simply because it has allowed me to stay home and go to "work" in my pajamas. I worked very hard to get where I am so I could stay at home and work. I have been working for a good company affiliated with a national organization. This used to be a comfort to me since if it was necessary I could move across the country and if there was an opening in an affiliate, I would have a job.

My company made a decision to plunge into the Big Bad World of Voice Recognition, all the while telling us that computers are not humans and we would just transition from being transcriptionists to editors. We didn't have a choice in the matter except to fearfully accept the change. Now six months later, I sat in a meeting Monday night and listened to my boss's boss tell us the decision had been made to have a "reduction in force." Not that we were surprised; we had gone from 40 hours to 20 hours a week. Due to the effectiveness of the Big Bad Voice Recognition, we had effectively been worked right out of our jobs. The "reduction" will be by seniority, one of the most unfairest rules in companies in my opinion. Of course, we were informed there will be severance packages based on years of service and perhaps an option at other employment, but it doesn't take away the fact that we are losing our jobs.

This is just another change in a year that has been full of changes.

I have been watching my baby bump for signs of growth and continuing seeing my doctor every week. I have also been in a state of great anticipation since we expected the last four weeks to find out if baby is a boy or girl. Each Friday we have been somewhat disappointed as the little stinker decided to have a party in there, even though the doctor and I both were straining to find out baby's secret.

Last Friday started out no differently than any other Friday. It had been a rough week as the previous Friday I had received the flu shot with, of course, inactivated vaccine. Friday, I got up and started work. Everything normal until two hours in, I got one of the worst scares of my life. I won't go into details, way too personal, but suffice it to say I called doctor immediately and left a STAT message while desperately holding back the flood of tears. Doctor immediately called back, inquired if I was having other symptoms (which I wasn't) and as I had an appointment at 2:20, very calmly told me to rest, feet up, and plenty of fluids until then. This was a measure of comfort since I knew if my doctor was worried, he would see me immediately or tell me to go to the hospital.

I went to Mamo's and cried on her shoulder while Poppy kept telling me, "Sis, don't worry! That lil Peanut is fine. God has it all under control!" Mom came home early, of course, and we waited anxiously until time to be at doctor's. Once in the room, I poured out my tale of woe to my nurse and listened as she told me it probably wasn't what I was thinking and what all those BAD internet sites were saying wasn't true. Doctor didn't ask me how I was when he walked in the room; he already knew, with one look at my tear-streaked face. He calmly proceeded to reassure me with a very good explanation and then said those words I love hearing so much, "Let's take a look at this baby." A minute later I am looking at that wonderful flicker of light that assures me a heart is still beating away and I watch as my lil miracle plays with hands and feet. Doctor tells me everything is fine and points out all the usual organs and reassures me, "Your baby is absolutely perfect."

Now that Mom and I were both relieved, our focus changed to the Big Question: Is Baby a boy as what we had been thinking for almost 8 weeks? We watched as Doctor manuevers the wand and then says those magic words I never thought I would hear: "It's a girl." So nonchalently! I grab my mom's hand as we both say, "WHAT?!" He is examining very closely and says, "She is definitely a little girl" and I watch as he types those wonderful words on the screen GIRL! My mom is barely refraining from dancing a happy jig and I burst into tears. Happy tears, mind you! Doctor is grinning and telling me everything is fine, that he has been monitoring certain things very early on and I'm showing no signs of that frightening condition called pre-term labor. Everything is as it should be, though I am still considered high risk. Then he laughs and tells me, "She just stuck her tongue out at you!" I'm bawling as I explain my disbelief that there is a lil girl in there and I am finally going to give my daughter mine and Mamo's middle name, Rose. And, oh my, once Baby Girl is here I can have that fourth generation picture I've always dreamed about. It is a miracle! My doctor is listening to all this outpouring with a smile on his face. Mom and I float out of the office with huge smiles on our faces like we had just won the lottery or something. We make it to the car where we immediately get on our phones. I call Daddy who is at work anxiously waiting to see if his wife and baby are okay and I say words we have so longed to say, "Babe, we are having a girl." Let's just say he didn't believe me. It took about five times saying those six little words before he finally believed me. He is getting his Daddy's Girl. Mom calls my Dad who doesn't quite believe her either. Frankly that day, everybody I called didn't believe me or screamed in happy surprise...except for one, my Poppy! Poppy has told us since day one that Baby was a girl. Even when I came and told him doctor was betting on a boy, he still maintained Baby is a girl. Needless to say, he is still crowing and we must never doubt his instinct again.

By Sunday, the car seat, stroller and pack-n-play was ordered, all a matched set in pink and chocolate brown. The only thing not quite figured out is the crib and nursery decor. I was so set on a boy, I had everything picked out and didn't even bother looking at girl nurseries. Funny, I am actually going to miss buying my boy nursery; I have loved it for so long.

Monday was another Important and Long-Awaited for milestone. I never imagined how it would be carrying my baby daughter, much less feeling those flutters for the first time that assure me she is very much alive and probably doing little flips in there. I am convinced I am going to spend most of this journey in tears since each event I succumb to tears of relief and joy. Feeling her for the very first time was amazing and I shared it immediately with my hubby and Mom as tears are welling up in my eyes.

Being so overjoyed, finding out I am okay, Baby is okay, Baby is a Girl and then joy at her announcing she is definitely with me, how could anything bad happen? That isn't the way it is supposed to happen right? No, of course not. But it did happen. Just because things are going great and you are feeling so much joy doesn't mean that something you didn't want to happen can't happen. This is life. Just as good, wonderful things happen, so does bad things happen. I have already been told those infamous words that everybody says when something goes wrong, "When a door closes, another door is opening." Now I know this is true in a sense that yes, when something changes, it does open the door for more change. Everything will be okay, just a different okay than maybe what was imagined. I could look at this very negatively, but then why should I? What if this is a very answer to prayer, the beginning of something fantastic?

It has always been my dream to not just have a baby, but be there to take care of Baby; be there as she smiles for the first time and tries to talk to me the first time; see her eyes follow me because she knows I am her mother; watch her crawl for the first time and takes those very first baby steps. I've dreamed about the day I would hear from those sweet lips the words "Ma-ma" or "Da-da." I've imagined all my life what it would be like to hold my baby daughter and raise her and have her be my little shadow. It is a wonderful dream. Now that Baby Girl is on her way, the desire to experience all those firsts is very prevalent in my thoughts. I realize this is a dream that in this day sometimes isn't possible.

So the question remains, "Is a career for me?" It may be necessary financially, but what if this is my chance, in a roundabout way, to enjoy perhaps what will be my last pregnancy and my only child? Sure, I won't be oblivious and I will look very closely at the offers that may be presented to me and I realize $800 a month to continue my health insurance so my doctor will still be my doctor might not exactly be easy, but who is going to hire a pregnant lady who is high risk and expects to be out having her baby in a couple of months? Doesn't God sometimes give us "obstacles" in our lives that really is His way of leading us to something better? I have experienced this in my life, just this year. Hasn't He guided us through each valley, each heartbreak, to the other side, the other door?

When I was interviewed for my job, I actually came home and told my family I didn't think I would want to work there, but yet, it was the exact job for me. God's hand was leading then, so why wouldn't I trust now that even though losing my job is a product of our economy, He knows all about this and again will work it out for my best. I find it strange that I have had countless women since Monday night tell me, "Take this time, stay home, enjoy the last of your pregnancy, have your baby, enjoy being a mommy for the very first time and then after a while if it is absolutely necessary worry about a job."

I had my first job when I was 14 and I have been working since then despite six surgeries and illnesses. The 832 days my hubby was searching for a job, I was fortunate to work and by God's grace, his unemployment and my income kept us afloat. From what has transpired this year, moving in with my parents to prepare for fertility tests only to find out Baby Girl was already with me, the whole first trimester bed rest, having my family surrounding me throughout the highs and lows of this journey, I know we are in the exact place we need to be, the place that was planned for us before we even knew and just perhaps this is my time...my time to realize my dream of becoming a mother; my time to have a little girl in ruffles, jean and flip-flops; my time to see all those firsts I have so longed for...my very special time God planned for me.

The song says, "He is more than enough" and countless scriptures promise He will never forsake us, He knows what we need even before we ask and He reminds us to cast all our care on Him. We can't handle the burden sometimes and really we aren't supposed to...that is His job. I know a lot of people that just believe what will be will be, it is what it is, but I prefer to stand on faith that this life isn't just a rollercoaster of mindless ups and down and pure luck. Yes, there are plenty of ups and downs in life, but it is much more comforting to know Somebody who knows the stars by name has my back even though I may not be able to see Him. Doesn't the song say, "So let the storms rage high, the dark clouds rise, they won't worry me for I am sheltered safe within the arms of God?"

Baby Girl's health is much more important than time spent fretting. Oh yes, paying $800 to keep my doctor is present in my mind, but Baby Girl is worth it all. Each day I am living my dream and God willing soon I will meet my daughter...that is what I will focus on and God can take care of the rest.