My dear sweet Journee,

You are two months old. How this happened I do not know, as it seemed just yesterday I was marveling over your newness and perfectness. You were so tiny, I was constantly terrified I was going to hurt you and held you ever so gently. For your first two weeks of life as I was recovering from your birth, Grandma gave you all your baths. I had so much fun choosing what you would wear for the day, lovingly handling all your tiny, soft baby clothes and adoringly looking on as you were placed so carefully in the water. It didn’t bother me at all to just look on because you were so tiny and squirmy, and even as a weeks old infant you loved bath time. When I finally decided it was time I gave you a bath, I think I held my breath the whole time. When I was sure you were squeaky clean, I wrapped you so carefully in your soft towel; Mamo and Grandma laughed so hard when you decided that was the perfect time to urinate all over me!

Journee, you have changed my life so much. My world revolves around you. Every smile enters my heart and breaks into a thousand pieces and fills me with such joy. I thrill when your eyes find me and you recognize me, your mama, and you flash that smile that lights your entire face. When you cry, I fight tears myself. Every single tear that slides down your rosy cheek breaks my heart and fills me with worry. Are you in pain? Is your diaper too tight? Do you have a headache? I keep worrying until the sobs cease and you smile again.

 Before you arrived, I was very much into my sleep, and sometimes I’m pretty sure I spent more hours of the day sleeping than been awake. Now I feel lucky if in 24 hours I get to enjoy 3-5. Even at one in the morning when I am so tired I can’t think straight and you want to be changed and fed, my heart is happy. Yes, sometimes I do desperately ask you to please, please, go to sleep so I can sleep. Sometimes when I’ve just crawled into bed so very tired and fallen asleep, your crying awakes me and I cry too, but I want you to know they are just the tears of exhaustion, and I look at your sweet face and I am so happy you are the reason I’m awake. On those rare occasions when you do sleep 5 or 6 hours, I awake horrified and jump out of bed to rush over and look at you to make sure you are still breathing. Dad and Grandma think this is quite funny, though they understand and I don’t mind when they laugh.

Your Grandma has had such fun laughing at me, my dear one. Before you were born, I emphatically assured everyone that we were going to have a schedule and a routine! You were not going to sleep with Mama and you most definitely were going to sleep in your beautiful crib. I reasoned you would be comfortable in your very expensive bed and it would be good for you to get used to sleeping in your beautiful nursery. At these moments when I would be expounding on how it would be, Grandma would just smile a knowing smile and say, “Uh-uh, we will see.”

When we brought you home, all Mama’s reasoning went out the window. I took you in your nursery and showed you all the exquisite finery awaiting you, but I knew in my heart there was no way you were going to be placed in that room, out of my sight. Since it was too painful to get up into the bed, I slept in the recliner and you were put in the cradle right beside me. I even insisted on a night light (several actually), so I could see you. Even then, your mama wasn’t comfortable and so I ended up cuddling you on my chest all night. That was simply the best way for me to get sleep and I reasoned you would sleep better next to my heart. It made perfect sense to me and Daddy, Grandma and Pa just smiled. When you did sleep in the cradle, Mama didn’t really rest and woke all hours to check on you. Even now, sleeping in my own bed, you sleep right beside me in your swing and just recently, in your pack ‘n play.  

Grandma has begun telling me it is time to put you in your crib - I am not sleeping well, you are not sleeping well, Daddy hardly sleeps at all, and I know in my heart she is right. However, the very thought terrifies me, and quite frankly, when the time comes and you are put to dreamland in the crib, I know I will be sleeping on an air mattress in your nursery for the first night or two. I know this is more for my comfort than yours, but really, if you wake up and cry, I will be right there.  

At your two month checkup, the doctor asked if you were sleeping in the crib yet. She smile got bigger and bigger as I earnestly listed all the reasons why you were not: after losing your four siblings to Heaven you were my Lil Miracle: I waited and waited for you to arrive and you have only been in this world 8 weeks: you were barely finished with colic: and yes, you still slept right next to Mama’s bed. I confidently told her in a month or two I would be transitioning you to the nursery, but for now it wasn’t going to hurt for you to be where I could see you at all times (I didn’t tell her I would then start sleeping in there, too!) I looked at Mamo and she was smiling too!  

The doctor agreed that our current sleeping arrangement was quite all right and she understand my anxiety. She did suggest that during the daytime after I rocked you to sleep, I put you in your crib for your nap. This way, it will be easier because when you wake up, you can see your new surroundings and I can check on you often. So, my sweet baby, over the next month, Mama is going to try this and I hope you like your crib, but for a little while longer, the nighttime will be spent with you right beside me.

Thankfully, you are finally done with colic and now that we know you are sensitive to corn sugar and possibly gluten and dairy, we will be extra careful in the future to protect you. Hopefully, you will grow out of it and the acid reflux that plagues you.

Your dark hair that shocked your adoring family is lightening up and your Daddy is still holding out hope that it will, by some miracle, turn red. Mama doesn’t think this will happen, but she loves all the copper highlights in it that remind her of her hair! If it stays dark, sweetie, that will be just fine! I do think you will turn out to be a blondie, though!

 Do you feel all the love you are surrounded with, Most Dear? I think you do, because you are such a happy baby. Even when you were crying with your tummy when we told you how much we loved you, you would stop crying for just a minute to smile at us before the pain made you cry again.

Your Grandma laughs and says when I write I always write a book, but when it comes to you, she is just as bad! We love you so much. I will end by quoting one of my favorite books that I hope becomes one of your favorites - “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.” I love you, Baby Doll!