We have survived one of the toughest year of our lives. I don't talk much about March 8, 2011, but it is always with me. A year has passed since I was given a glimpse of Heaven and held by Jesus. In many ways, it seems as if it happened yesterday, and the memory is still clear and vivid. When looking back, I realize even more what a gift I was given. God knew how much I would need to draw on my experience to get me through all the pain of our heartache.
Sometimes I look to the sky and wonder what my lil Matthew is doing up there. I close my eyes and see again the clearness of the river, the magnificent waterfalls and how those fields of flowers never ended. The other night in church someone read in Revelations where it talks about the crystal river flowing out of the throne of God and I saw all over again the flowing river and the diamond like structure that I still can't describe. I cherish that memory and hold it close in my heart! As the year anniversary drew closer, I found myself more anxious than what I had anticipated. It seemed as if the tears were always right behind my eyes. A year ago, I was focused on surviving a day a time and couldn’t even think of “one year later.” Now, I am surprised at how much it still hurts. I have come to terms with the realization that my heart, though healed, will always ache for the little baby my arms never held. I’ve found myself paying even more attention to the wiggles of Baby Girl just to reassure myself that all is well with her and, as if she knew her mama needed wiggles, she has happily obliged this week.
The tears did arrive in the early morning hours of Saturday, March 3rd, but they weren't the heartbroken tears of a year ago. They just flowed in memory of Matthew and Heaven and in thankfulness for the miracle waiting to arrive. What a day it was! Months earlier when my friends started talking about my church baby shower, I told Mom it would really be amazing if my shower ended up being on the 3rd. We kind of dismissed the idea because that would put me so close to delivery and at that point we still wondered if we would already be holding our precious baby. Two other dates were selected and then fell through; my heart felt such awe and wonder when the only date left for the shower was Saturday, March 3rd. I laughed and told my friends it was no coincidence. It was meant to be.The day was beautiful! Even as I got ready and ran last minute errands, I kept thinking what a beautiful day it was and how blessed I was to have such a happy day to anticipate. The shower was more than I ever could have imagined. I knew my wonderful friends were planning a tomboy/princess theme, but they surpassed all my expectations with the cake table! It was the perfect blend of girly-girly and tomboy, right down to the homemade pink slingshot and the pink mitt and ball.
For my tea party baby shower, a cake we found online immediately became our dream cake. When we went looking for pricing we were dismayed to find it would be roughly around $300, and that didn’t even include the filling. Even my mother, who is slightly nonsensical about spending too much money on baby girl, realized it was out of the question and we sadly gave up our dream cake and made cupcakes.
When the cake arrived for the March 3rd baby shower, Mom and I shared a very poignant moment. It was complete except for the topper, where Baby Girl's monster truck was supposed to be placed, but it was too large. We stood and talked about what to put on top and then my hostess came in carrying lil tiny shoes her daughter had worn at her Christening. She placed them on top and suddenly, an almost perfect rendition of our dream cake was before our eyes. It was so exquisitely beautiful! You can never convince me God doesn't know about the little things!!!!The rest of the day was surreal. Around the same time I was happily taking photos with all my precious friends and talking about contractions and how close Baby Girl’s arrival is, a year ago I was finding out there was no longer a heartbeat. What a difference a year makes! I thank God for giving me such a happy day to remember always!
Sunday morning I woke up having painful contractions and just miserable in general. As I lay in bed trying to get comfortable and go back to sleep, a memory filled my mind that I hadn't thought of for a year. March 4th, I awoke out of sleep knowing the baby I carried had no heartbeat and once again, my dream wasn't coming true. It was midmorning, I was at Mom's house and I just sat in the chair in their music room and looked out at the beautiful day, numb, yet so filled with pain and disbelief. Mom and Dad had stepped out of the room and I was alone. I was looking out their sliding glass door when a tiny bird came flying along and flew right into the door. Kerthunk! It fell, inches away, on the cold cement. I stared in horror, my mind thinking, racing, "Oh God, you let my baby die and now you are letting me see another innocent creature die!!!!" In my mental state, it took a minute to realize the screams that filled the air was coming from me. Dad and Mom came running and found me collapsed by the door. Mom grabbed me and Dad went outside and gently picked up the bird. I was completely hysterical at the sight of the tiny body laying in front me, Mom was trying to hold me together and Dad walked out and gently picked up the bird. He realized since it was still breathing that it was just dazed and carefully laid it on the fence. My mom was holding me, repeating over and over, “Janille, the bird is alive, we think it will be ok,” but it took some time to sink in and I was doubtful. After a minute or so the bird did come awake and flew off, but we all watched in amazement as it made a loop and came back and landed by my Dad's hand. The tiny creature looked up at him as if to say, "Thank you, I'm all better now" before flying away into the blue yonder. All this week I have thought about that tiny bird. Even then, God was trying to let me know that in my grief He was there. There is an old song that says, "If He knows when a sparrow falls from its nest and He grieves just to see it die...how much more He loves you and me..." We know He feeds the sparrow and cares for the lilies of the field, but it is so easy when a horrible thing happens to question his love and understand the reason. Some things we may never understand, but I have found He is always there, holding us through the heartache, even when we can't feel His arms. There are no words to describe the heartache from losing our precious baby Matthew, but a year later I have the hope of Spring and holding his baby sister sent all the way from Heaven. I know the comfort of the truth in the words, “If He knows when a sparrow falls, He will take care of you and me.”
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