Fantastic Fridays: Trust and Faith

I am not a theologian, but to me trust and faith go hand in hand.  I don’t know how you can have one without another.  I trust and  have faith that the sun will rise tomorrow and there will be a sunset.  It seems so simple, yet trusting and having faith can be so hard to do.  When it seems that life is dealing you an unfavorable hand, it can be so hard to trust that everything will be okay.  I look back at hard times in my life and I see now how God was moving in my life to bring me to this place and this moment, but at the time I didn’t understand. 

Moving in July was so very difficult for me.  I made the decision willingly because I thought we would be preparing to spend a pretty penny in fertility testing and treatments, but giving up our lil house and moving in with my parents was NOT the way I thought our life was supposed to go.  I even had so many questions. Why us and what had we done wrong?  Why does it seem we’ve had heartache around every bend?  It was ever present in my mind that if Justin hadn’t lost his job, things might be completely different.  We were poised for a great year with both of us working and full of big plans; however, as I look back  I realize now those 832 days of Justin being unemployed were the making of us.  Our marriage grew so much stronger.  Our eyes became more focused on God.

 Now I have to smile because here I am on bed rest with our lil miracle, and I see the path and God’s plan to bring me to this place and I am content and happy.  Maybe for some the situation isn’t ideal, but for me at this moment, it is perfect.  Trust…

Every week it is a leap of faith for me not to dwell on what could go wrong and trust that my baby is in the safest of hands – God.  As the song that is playing says, He is our hiding place.  Whenever I am afraid I will trust in You.  This really hit home this week.  To look at me, you wouldn’t be able to tell I carry a lil miracle within me.  Our baby is hidden from the world, only visible by ultrasound at this point.  This whole time, Baby is growing and developing and even I am only given a glimpse of his/her world on Fridays.  Still, from the very beginning, our Creator has seen our baby.  When it was just cells, He knew our baby.  Even now when we are wondering if our baby is a boy or a girl, God knows.  This is fascinating to me!  He knew our baby before it was formed and He knows who this child is destined to be.  He knows the future for our child! 

This hiding place that God designed especially for babies has betrayed me before, but yet it was created for a safe place where a baby can grow, do flips, be nourished and kick away until it is time to be born.  What a comfort to know that while I can’t see inside my child’s world every day and every moment, our Heavenly Father is always watching over the both of us.

Our baby put on quite a show for Mama and Grandma today!  Baby’s Daddy had to work so Grandma got to go and this was the first time for her to see her grandbaby kicking away and being a wiggle-baby!  In fact, we have on video the baby raising his/her arms and hands above the head.  I joked baby was already raising his/her arms in joy, saying, “Look what I can do, Mama!!”  The whole time we were watching, the baby was moving and we couldn’t take our eyes off the screen!!!  I have to wonder if this is a glimpse into my future, chasing after very energetic baby! J 

The doctor took so much time today to point out a very strong little chin, little eyes, tiny knees, tiny elbows, and the fingers and toes were even more on display today.  Our baby is measuring a day ahead which just delights my heart!  I am so comfortable with my doctor and just so thankful, I have no problem verbally thanking God each week for another week of life when I get that first glimpse of that heartbeat!!  I just say out loud, “Thank you God!” This may sound funny to some of you but when you have been where I have been, you realize and appreciate the wonder of a heartbeat!  I got so excited about seeing Baby move I was trying to tell my mom and all that came out was, “see Baby see Mama!”  That gives you an idea just how exciting this is to me!  I can’t even talk right!

We did get another piece of news today, one that I had mixed feelings about.  In two weeks, the doctor will be releasing me back to work.  Amazingly, things are progressing so normally with an apparent healthy baby and I am doing so well, so with each week that passes there is less reason for bed rest.  I am grateful for this.  I am really in awe that this is happening, however I won’t be free to be with Mamo all day long.  For this reason, I am sad.

My Mamo has been physically failing. We’ve been seeing this for a while, but it seems to be more prominent and she doesn’t seem to be bouncing back.  My Mamo has been and is a very strong woman.  She deals with more pain in one day than many of us have our whole lives.  Her case is in the research books from prominent teaching hospitals who have studied her.  It is a miracle she made it through birthing three children.  Pain is her way of life but she has always determinedly carried on with a smile and never a complaint. Now, she’s admitted to my mom that she is tired and weary and ready to go. We have never heard Mamo say anything like that EVER!!  I also know that Mamo doesn’t want pity or sympathy and perhaps she probably would not be happy knowing I’m sharing it with you.

Lately, I have spent more than a couple of nights in tears because of this and sending up desperate prayers for more time.  I have always prayed for more time with Mamo.  When I was younger, I prayed that she would live to see me married.  As soon as I was married, I prayed that she would be alive to hold my firstborn.  I am thankful that two of my younger cousins have had that moment with her, but I want that moment. I have dreamed of having a “fourth generation” photoshoot with Mamo, Mom, my child and me.  Now, God willing, this lil miracle will be arriving next year and I find myself begging God to please answer my prayer for that one moment. 

Last night as I lay in bed with tears rolling down my cheeks praying for more time, my mind went a different direction and one that I wasn’t completely ready to accept.  How can I be so selfish to pray for Mamo to stay here in pain every day?  

Some of you know that when I lost my last little baby I had an amazing experience when I was unconscious. Because of that wonderful experience, I know the peace and love she will feel when she feels His arms around her.  I know the awe and wonder she will know when she crosses that crystal river in all its brilliance, when she glimpses Heaven.  Most of all, she will be free of all pain. 

What really hit home last night was the thought of her “welcoming committee.”  On that day in March when I looked across the river to that small group of souls gazing at us with so much love, I couldn’t see their faces.  I without a doubt they knew me and were special to me, but in spite of my desire their faces eluded me.  Was one of them my beloved Granny Tosh or my Uncle Jimmy who was a great prayer warrior in every sense of the word?  Was the tall one my Pa, Dad’s father?  I don’t know those answers, but Mamo will see their faces so clear.  She will see the loved ones she has lost and mourned.  There will be no pain or sorrow as they welcome her into Paradise, only joy and that overwhelming feeling of love. 

In the previous months when life would get too tough I have closed my eyes and remembered, being transported in my mind to that place, my hiding place.  I realized more last night what a gift was given to me when I was held.  When Mamo leaves there won’t be any questions as to what awaits her or where she is at.  I can’t say I have completely accepted her leaving us because I simply can’t imagine living in a world where Mamo doesn’t.  I pray that I get to hand her my firstborn and see that look of love on her face, but this is where trust and faith come in once again.  I don’t want Mamo to linger and be in so much pain.

I prayed last night that God would give me courage for that moment when it comes and once again, I was reminded of words that were told to me in March:  “I will give you the courage you need.”  There will be a hiding place I will be able to go to mourn and where I will be comforted.  His strength will be enough when mine is no longer enough.  This is a promise to us. 

“He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.”  This means when we experience wonderful joy and laughter while my baby waves or when we experience heartbreaking sorrow when we say goodby to those we hold so dear, He is in control and He has a plan. And I am learning His plan is always best and for our best. Even as God knows my baby’s days before he/she takes his/her first breath, each of our days are numbered and it is all part of a bigger plan.  There is comfort in the trusting.



Fantastic Friday: The Miracle of Life

Life is a miracle.  The mere act of breathing is not something that we ourselves can even control.  The beginning of life, cells that become this tiny breathing, crying human being is nothing short of miraculous.   Job said we are fearfully and wonderfully made and I am seeing this miracle week by week. 

Yes, you are reading this right!  God has blessed us with a lil miracle!  I still can hardly believe I am carrying a lil’ life within me!  I have been half in shock ever since I found out.  I was having so much pain I never suspected.  In fact, I was so sure I had no qualms moving, lifting boxes, scrubbing baseboards and shampooing when we were moving.

According to my wonderful doctor, this pregnancy is quite normal!!  The pain means the baby is growing!  The back pain that scared me so bad this week is quite normal as the baby is doing flips in there and resting on rather sensitive areas.

I found out on a Thursday and the next Monday the doctor put me on bed rest.   By the next Monday, I was in his office scared to death.  I cannot tell you the magnitude of joy to see that precious heartbeat! 

I have been blessed with an amazing doctor!  He is seeing me every Friday, hence Fantastic Fridays.  He has monitored our baby from the beginning every Friday. I have had the wondrous pleasure of seeing Baby grow and another dream come true, hearing that awesome heartbeat!  It is one thing to see the flicker of light that is the heartbeat on the screen; it is quite another to hear that thump-thump!  Each Friday, I sit in the waiting room, heart pounding, and each Friday I have walked out grinning from ear to ear with another picture of my baby!  My doctor has done everything in his power to reassure this terrified mommy-to-be and himself.  At eight weeks, he took my hands in his, looked me in the eyes and said, “I think your baby is going to be all right.”  The growth measures exactly where it should and the heartbeat has increased each week to where it should be for a baby this early.  Because of my past history I am high risk so he is monitoring us, but we have all agreed he is also monitoring me to reassure all our minds.  I thank him over and over and I can’t say enough good things about my doctor.  Thank God that He gives some people the talent and the intelligence to become doctors!

Today, we saw our lil miracle and oh my word, I am overwhelmed with joy to see little tiny legs kicking away and a teeny hand going to the mouth!!!  The whole tiny body is wiggling in there squirming all around and doing a tiny flip to the wonderment of these adoring parents!  We even saw the tiniest, adorable toes!!!!  I dreamed about hearing that elusive heartbeat, I never even fathomed seeing my precious baby being a wiggle-worm!!!!  I’ve been crying off and on ever since just in amazement and thankfulness.  I am so grateful to be given this chance, this moment, to witness another miracle and one that is doing flips for Mama!!!  I think I literally floated out of the office today!  Oh and Baby’s daddy, he is just so awed all he can say is words like “awesome” and “wow”.  I believe my hubby fell in love with his child from the moment he saw that little flicker on that screen.  All he could do is stare in wonder and ask my doctor over and over, “That’s really the heartbeat?  It really is okay?” 

I am still in the first trimester, but I am further than I have ever been.  According to my doctor, this baby seems perfect from what he can see this early.  Every Friday, I will say my doctor is as excited as we are and leaves with a big grin on his face.  

The bed rest has been an adventure for me.  I am so used to working and cleaning that it is has been extremely hard to sit or lie here and watch others clean and do laundry.  I don’t do a thing.  It is imperative that I don’t and I follow my doctor’s order to the T. 

I am so thankful we moved!  I am next door to Mamo and Poppy now and that means I have spent every day with Mamo.  She has been there during the day when I’m scared and I have been there with her when she isn’t feeling well.  In fact, we have spent a lot of time in bed together.  Every night, Mom hugs me and tells me to go to sleep, say goodnight to anxiety, and lectures me to quit worrying.  Thank God for Mamas!  Dad has nicknamed our baby “Peanut.”  It has been quite an adventure.  He routinely will ask, “How is Peanut today?”  When you are going through a “normal,” yet scary time, having hubby and family near means the world!!!

 In January when I started going to the doctor for my previous baby, I always had a nurse who would take me back and see me before the doctor.  When we lost our baby, she was there to give me her condolences.  Two weeks ago when I was leaving my appointment, I ran into her and gave her the wonderful news.  We had quite the conversation and each Friday, I have given her updates and showed her our baby.  Today, I was all smiles and she gave me a hug and I was so excited I could hardly talk.  She looked at me and said, “You know, it is because of women like you why I work in this occupation.  I have seen the heartache you went through and I see nothing but joy and oh I’m so happy for you and your miracle.”  I thank God for my nurses and doctors who know the odds and are cheering us on!

Thank you to those who knew from the beginning and have prayed many prayers for us.  It means everything to me knowing there is prayer going up.  Every night, I pray, “God, let the brain develop and function correctly and be intelligent and recognize your awesomeness.  Let the eyes see the beauty of your creations and the ears hear.  Let the nose smell your fragrances and the mouth speak correctly and with love.  Give my lil miracle ten toes and eight fingers and two thumbs.  Bless baby with arms that will praise you and legs that will shout for joy.  Most of all, God, give this baby a heart full of you.  Give baby a heart full of joy, compassion, and love for the Creator and all God’s creations.  Always give us wisdom to raise this precious blessing the way a child should be brought up, to pleasure the One who gives us the miracle of Life. And God, most of all, keep Baby safe.”

For all of you out there still waiting for your miracle, don't give up hope!  Miracles do happen...I am living mine.

Thankful Thursday...

For special reasons, thankful Thursday is being changed to Fantastic Friday! I will be posting a special blog tomorrow evening. Check back then, but in the meantime I'm thankful for all the people I have in my life at this moment! All of you are special to me!!! To all of you who read this blog, thank you for all your kind comments and support!

Thankful Thursday: The Influence of Labels

Laura Ingalls.  Old-fashioned.  White.  Spoiled.  Snob.  Too dramatic.  Sickly.  Unaccomplished.  Redheaded=Horrible Temper.  Unpopular.  Failure.  Defective.  Issues.  Childless.  Endometriosis.  Fibromyalgia.  Depressed.  Pessimist.  Fat.  Standoffish. 

In the fourth grade, I learned what it was like to be on the wrong end of prejudice and how it felt to wear a label.  That day has been seared in my mind.  It seemed like just another school day until recess.  There I was, little white girl with two red braids hanging down my back, wearing one of my many dresses and LA Gear tennis shoes.  I was very smart in school, bringing home A’s in everything except in Math where I was and still am a total dunce, reading high school level and destined for a scholarship.  None of that helped that day.  I was playing and didn’t really pay too much attention to the group of the “popular” and tough kids that were walking up to me, closing around me.  At first the questions were innocent, ones I had dealt with before:  “Hey, why do you wear dresses all the time?  Why don’t you ever wear jeans?”  I replied like I had a thousand times in the past, “My parents are assistant pastors and it is our religious belief.” 

The taunts came first.  “Just like Laura Ingalls, you are Laura Ingalls.  Old-fashioned.  You’re stupid.  You’re so ugly in those homemade dresses and your hair is always in braids.  Laura Ingalls.  Laura Ingalls…”  I had heard this before and always managed to laugh and just resume playing.  It was a pain for sure, but never had really impacted in my life before.  The push to the ground was unexpected.  The kicks from two boys bigger than me were a shock.  I lay on the cement, my leg in pain, fighting tears, gasping for breath.  The physical pain was awful, the emotional pain unbearable, and two tears slid down my cheeks.  You can imagine what happened then.  No kid is supposed to cry.  There was laughter…”you’re not hurt, such a baby.”  I’m not sure what would have happened then, but the bell rang…literally saved by the bell. 

I don’t remember much about the rest of the day, other than my leg was in awful pain, hurt to walk and there was a huge black bruise forming on my thigh.  I was quiet when my mom picked me up, a rare thing for me.  I guessed I’ve blocked part of that day out of my mind because I don’t remember if Mom saw that huge bruise first or just kept asking why I was quiet…either way I finally told her.  That was the last day of public elementary school.  My mom became my teacher and I was homeschooled until my sophomore year of high school when I elected to go back.  If my mom had been the person she is today back then, I’m sure she would have reigned holy terror upon those school administrators! LOL!

Labels can be an awful thing.  Sadly, you hear them every day whether you know it or not.  You are either fat or skinny.  You are pretty or ugly.  You can’t escape them because labels are like first impressions.  There will always be that person who thinks (even though they would deny it) that they are superior to their peers.  There is always the popular girl, the one who gets the homecoming king, the house, the new car, and the two perfect kids.  On the other hand, there is always that kid in school who people call “nerd” and “geek” who wind up having letters behind their name, curing diseases and most of the time, lead a more accomplished life than the homecoming queen or sorority sister.

By the time I was in college, I was wearing so many labels, sometimes even I couldn’t recognize myself.  It is hilarious to me now, but in my younger years, I had this guy who wanted to marry me.  I will never forget, his parents actually told him, “You don’t want to marry her.  She is an only child and so spoiled, she will never make a good wife.”  I laugh when I think about that.  By 19, I had added another label:  Endometriosis.  By 22:  Fibromyalgia.  Common labels are bad, but, oh, the medical labels are much worse! 

Along the way, fortunately, I picked up some other labels:  Classy.  Nice.  Outgoing.  Loyal.  Compassionate.  Pretty.  Imaginative.  Intelligent.  Thoughtful.  Sweet.   For every bad label, there is a good label.  For a long time, it bothered me how people saw me, even though some of them were the results of growing pains and mistakes I’ve made.  We ALL have good sides and bad sides, everyone of us.  None of us are exempt from that.  I have found it is possible to change some of the bad elements of my personality and be a different person while some people still see me with some of the old labels.  Oh well.  No matter what labels we wear, we know who we really are inside.  It doesn’t matter if people see you now as one way, you have your whole life to change, grow, roll with the punches and mature.  We will constantly be growing and changing until the day we die.  That is life. 

That incident in fourth grade changed me forever.  It taught me that children who are bullies are actually to be pitied.  They are missing some part of their soul where compassion dwells. Bullies are usually always bullies.  It taught me to not make fun of those less fortunate, those different from me.  Throughout my life, I have always championed the so-called “underdog.”  I recently watched the movie “Facing the Giants” once again.  The football team was the underdogs, but they were determined to win and that is the funny thing about underdogs – they surprise the world when least unexpected!  I have so many friends from all walks of life, all ages, rich, and not-so-rich, leaders and followers.  I am blessed by that!  I can be thankful knowing that while I can’t change past mistakes, my future has infinite possibility!  I am thankful as the years go by and the hard knocks come, I can cultivate the good labels and work at losing the bad ones.  I am thankful I realize that appreciating decency and morality doesn’t make me old-fashioned. I know that encountering drama in my life doesn’t make me a necessarily a drama queen.  

Just like labels can be a bad thing, they can also be a good thing.  They can cause us to look at ourselves and make us determined to better ourselves.  They cause us to overcome.  Best of all, I’m thankful I have realized I really don’t have to “wear” any labels at all - I just can be me.   God did not create us to mirror others, only Him.  He created us to be the best unique selves we can be.  He created us to be special and every individual has something in them that sets us apart from everyone else.  We are His pleasure.

By the way, next month will be two years since the label “Fibromyalgia” was erased from my life, a miracle like none other.  God is SO good!

Thankful Thursday: They That Wait

Every Thursday for the month of August, I have decided to blog about thankfulness.  This will be an undertaking for me as I have never attempted to blog every week.  Sometimes we all need to encourage ourselves and this is me encouraging myself.  :)

It seems as I talk to friends, they are all going through something tough.  Some situations I know and others I do not, but whatever the case may be, my friends are weary, wondering when  their circumstances will change, when they will get their break.  I can relate to some of them as I have been in their shoes and walked the road they are walking.  Some of them I cannot relate too, but I can empathize.

As we walk this journey called Life, there are many roads we travel and many bridges we cross.  Some are blissful, even perfect moments, and others are not quite as blissful.  None of us like the paths that hurt, the paths that bring us to our knees.  We like the perfect moments, the time when for that second everything is right in our world.  However, if it wasn't for those roads we would so much like to bypass, we really wouldn't learn to appreciate the perfect moments in our life.  This has been a hard concept for me.  I would much prefer to tiptoe through the tulips and ride on a cloud.  I don't like to cry.   I don't want to hurt.  I don't want to walk the scary roads where doubt is on every hand and hope can be hard to find, where the only option is to trust that there is a plan and in the end, it will be all right. 

I am walking such a road right now.  I have walked this way before.  I knew it was a rough road, but I chose to return to walk it once again.  I am fighting the battle to keep faith, trust and hope in the forefront and doubt and fear in the rear.  The days are filled with sunshine and resolve not to worry; the nights are filled with anxiety and much desperate prayer.  I am on a medication.  I will not talk much about it at this point except to say it is to aid in our quest to one day hold our miracle baby in our arms.  It is VERY necessary I use this medication, but it has VERY nasty side effects. 

When I start a new medication I always read the precautions and warnings; that is just who I am. However, this time I didn't read the insert. Frankly, I didn't really want to know, because I knew it wouldn't change anything.  I would still take it.

This medication must be taken at night and therefore, in all good humor, I call it "my nightly torture."  Despite things that has happened in my life that caused me to be anxious, I was not fully aware of how real anxiety could feel.  I lie in bed and in about 15 minutes after my nightly torture, all of a sudden, I can't breathe. There is an elephant sitting on my chest, pain, a million thoughts roaring through my mind and soul, and the inevitable tears.  I cannot tell you about the first night this happened, the terror.  As I have a valid reason to be somewhat anxious, I worried what my body was telling me.  It wasn't until about two weeks later, my mom and I happened to read the side effects.  Worry was one of them, anxiety another.  Yes, the word "worry" was listed as a side effect. By that time, we had surmised it was the medication as it is not in my nature to be plagued by that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  My hubby has taken to holding me very tight and praying most fervently.  As he falls asleep, I continue silently, "God, it's me again"...until I fall asleep.  Sometimes I listen to uplifting songs and other times I peruse the Bible app on my iPhone.  Thank God for technology, right?  :)

"Perfect love casteth out fear."  Seems easy enough, but in reality when your back is up against the wall and the only way out is to walk through that valley full of fear and doubt, it can be a challenge.  I know in my heart that things are going to be all right even if they really aren't all right...in the end, everything happens for a reason and you get through it.  I have no problems trusting in the plan and the Creator of the plan.  I just know there is a plan!  I have enough faith to believe that the path I'm walking was chosen for me and obviously if I was chosen, then I will have enough courage and strength to walk it.  For several nights as I lay fighting to relax in the palm of His hand, a part of a scripture kept coming to mind.  "Hast thou not known?  Hast thou not heard..."  It was at that point I couldn't remember the rest and after a couple of nights of this, I looked it up.

"Hast thou not known?  Hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary?  there is no searching of his understanding."  Now maybe these words don't fill you with courage and the renewed will to fight, but it does me!  I "faint" sometimes!  I get weary!  When I can't understand the "whys" and get frustrated, I do say, "God are you there?  Do you know what is going on down here??"  We often dissolve tears at our situation.  Yet we have a powerful ally, the antianxiety

So, this Thursday, I am thankful for the anxiety because it causes me to look to the One who knows my dreams, hopes and my future.  I am thankful for such a medication that was invented to help millions of women (along with our Creator) finally hold their dream in their arms.   I am thankful for the knowledge that if everything isn't all right and my worst "fear" is realized, I will not be alone as I pick myself up and know in time, it will be all right.

For my friends who are fighting, waiting for their break, waiting for a job, waiting for their Prince Charming, waiting to hold a smiling baby in their arms, whatever the wait is for, this one is for you.  Take heart!  You are held and even if you can't feel His arms, they are there!  Know that He knows where you are at, He sees every tear, every desperate plea.  He will be your counselor, your strong tower, deliverer, shield and defense, healer, your beginning, your end and your very best friend.  I will remind of us all:  "They that wait upon the Lord SHALL renew their strength; they SHALL mount up with wings as eagles; they SHALL run, and not be weary; and they SHALL walk and not faint."