Every time I stand in front of Mamo's "ice box," I stare at a photo of a smiling couple. Her hair is all curled up, the result of an hour or more standing in front of the mirror, and he is smiling at the camera with his arm wrapped around her. They look happy, but if you look away from the perfect smile and into her eyes, their blueness tells a different story. There is something missing and she feels it acutely. The day before that photo was taken in 2010, she woke up knowing she wouldn't have happy news to share with family that the baby she so wanted wasn't on the way. I stare at this photo for two reasons: I'm in awe of all that has happened since that photo, namely, my arms aren't empty any longer and I wish I was as thin as I was in that photo post baby!
She is six months old today. Time doesn't stop when your heart breaks and it doesn't stop when your heart is joyous. It marches on and all you can do is just march with it. I've been meaning to write of all the wonderful days with Journee, but here's the thing: When you are busy LIVING and trying to keep up with a tiny baby, the less time you have to be creative. I'm sure as she gets older and I figure out how to entertain our resident Royal Highness at the same time keeping up with household responsibilities, I will be able to arrange a time for creativity.
Journee is amazing. Sometimes I look at this tiny human and I'm in awe that she is mine. My wonderful doctor told us way before she was ever born that she was most definitely her own person. How right he was! I feel sometimes that I'm experiencing life all over again through her eyes. She knows her family and there are days she is choosy as to who she wants. There are nights that if her Pa walks by and doesn't pick her up, she cries while there are other days, like Friday when Gramma left, she cried and cried. The best thing though is she always wants her Mama. I have found to my delight, Mama trumps everyone. At five months, she started raising her arms to be held. What was even more amazing was the day after, Mamo was holding her and I went to pick her up and she looked at me and then deliberately turned her face into Mamo's shoulders and wrapped her little arms as far as she could around Mamo. I must tell you if it had been anyone else, I wouldn't have liked it all, but I laughed because once again, she was asserting herself. How fitting for my daughter!
We started solids around 4 months and once again, she lets us know what she likes and dislikes. Honestly, I worry because she doesn't seem to like much baby food. In fact, the only fruits she likes to this point is pears and mangos. Peaches, apples and the rest she politely closes her mouth shut and just looks at us. She does love her vegetables though. Of late we are trying to get her used to the sippy cup and not having a great time of it. She prefers our water bottles and is fascinated by our cups. She loves to drink water out of our Dasani water bottles, but water in her own pink bottle - no, she looks at me like, "Mom really?" I think as she gets older, we are going to find she will prefer to eat as we do and will reject the "baby" stuff.
The biggest news I have to share is she has been sleeping in her beautiful crib for two weeks today!!! We had been trying to slowly get her used to her crib for naps and that was going successfully, but the few times we tried at night, she cried and back in her swing she went. You see during the time she suffered from colic, the swing was what got us through. Then colic went away and teething started. Don't get me started about growth spurts! Through it all, the only way she would sleep was to be gently rocked all night. I worried and worried about what I was going to do when she outgrew the swing. Then in the last month due to some medical events, I knew I had to transition her to her crib and honestly I was terrified! The crib, although it is solid mahoghany and the craftmenship is superb, seems so big when your tiny piece of Heaven is laying in there all alone! Then one Saturday morning, I heard her sweet cooing in the monitor and when I went in her nursery, there she was laying in her swing and the swing wasn't moving. Now at 1:30 that morning, I had checked on her when my hubby left for work and it was swinging just fine. I found out that when my dad went to check on her at 6 that morning, the swing was on, not swinging and popping and cracking which probably added a few more white hairs to my dad. That night she slept with Gramma and Pa. When Sunday night arrived, oh I was so worried. I should not have worried. She curled up with one arm around Connity (her Cabbage Patch baby) and slept all night! Now she knows her room and her bed and her army of stuffed animals. In fact, when I carry her in her nursery and she sees Mr. Bear holding all the rest of the Bear gang, she gets all excited and waves her arms.
I would imagine the next big news I will have to share is the appearance of lil toofies! She has been teething since before she was three months old and as of yet, she is still toothless! Poor thing! Some days, she really suffers with her pearly whites and all I can do is hold her and try to comfort her as best as I possibly can! When she cries on those days, I find myself tearing up right along with her and praying God would take pain from her and give it to me. Yet even on those bad days, she still smiles at us.
Whenever I'm out with Journee, invaribly someone will comment on my beautiful baby and always ask her name. When I tell them, they look at me and say, "Wow that's such an unique name!" or "Journee....That's beautiful." I smile in anticipation of the next question, "How did you come up with that?" I usually say something along the lines of "she is my Lil Miracle." What happens next is very predictable. Either the person asking looks in my eyes and i can see in their eyes, they know exactly what I mean and they don't need me to say anything else OR I see in their eyes they understand, but want more information. Depending on the situation, sometimes I will smile and say, "She is my only living child, but I lost four babies before her." I will admit that even in the midst of my happiness, I still tear up when I say this and there are days that I haven't felt up to giving a stranger more information and so I leave them wondering.
Journee, when you were born, I thought I couldn't love you anymore than I already did. I knew of unconditional love, but in all honesty, I had never felt it until your first cry and my first glimpse of your tiny face. You have challenged me in your first six months as I'm sure you will keep doing. Looking in your innocent pure face, I'm determined to rise above my shortcomings and somehow I hope to be a mother you will be proud to have. I don't know what your future holds, but I know I have the power to influence and how I pray, my influence in your life is consistently one of Godly strength and overwhelming hope. I marvel all the time at your joy. You seem to have entered this world thinking it was job to smile at everybody you encounter and because of you, sweet Baby Doll, I smile more than I ever have my whole life. There are days when my cheeks actually are sore from smiling at you and making you giggle by blowing raspberries on your little tummy and nibbling at your toadies! I thank God every day that you are in my arms and I actually have the power to make you smile and giggle when I tickle you or kiss your tummy. I love our mornings, Baby Girl! You fill me with delight at your every facial expression and how you get excited and think you have to move every limb of your body. Just recently, you have discovered the mirrors in Mama's room and you are fascinated and mesmerized at the sight of that beautiful baby looking back at you. You are truly surrounded by love and though some might call you spoiled, I really wouldn't have it any other way. Oh I know we will have moments in the future with your little "personality," but Journee, I have determined to discipline you as wisely and patiently as I possibly can. You are teaching me so many things about myself and I promise to keep working on me so that you will have the benefit. Your first six months of life have been the most challenging and the most joyous and happiest of my life! I thought I would be sad when you reached your half birthday, but I find myself so looking forward to the next six months! I can't wait until you start crawling and walking and talking to me! In the last week, you have just started babbling "Da da da da wa da la wa wa wa da da." Now we all know you are saying "Dada," but you don't exactly associate your daddy with the babble you are saying so Mama is okay with it, especially as you know who I am without a doubt. :) I told your daddy he owes me one since I'm the one who constantly tells you, "Mama, Dada, Papa and Gramma!"
Happy 6 months of life, Baby Doll! I don't think there could possibly a happier mother in the whole world. I love you with all my heart and all that is within me!
