September Love Letter

My sweet lil baby,

You did it! Mama and Daddy are so very proud of you! You grew all the way to the second trimester! Words seem so inadequate to describe my joy at this BIG milestone. Mama never thought she would ever get to ever say, "Baby and I are in the second trimester." Yet here we are! I have watched each week as you have grown and kicked and sucked your thumb. You make Fridays such a special day! I wish all the time I could peek in your little world every day, but so appreciative I can see you once a week. Mama felt like she was walking on sunshine today as she left the doctor's office. Baby, you have no idea how much happiness you're giving your parents and family! I know when you arrive, your sweet little face will be covered in kisses to show you how happy we are.

Today was a very big day for you and me. I graduated to a "regular" ultrasound because you are finally big enough to see through my layers of "fluff." Even after all these weeks, I still find myself holding my breath until I see that wonderful flutter that tells us your lil heart is still beating away. Then, I watch as you move and stretch and wiggle, every movement feeling me with so much joy and love. Last week, I told your grandma that I really can't imagine loving you more than I did at that moment, but today I found myself loving you even more than I did last Friday.

You were opening and closing your mouth today, maybe swallowing? I got to see your little button nose and wonder once more if you will take after me and have a little tip at the end or if you will take after your Daddy. I watched your spine move which was amazing. You are so teeny-tiny, just over 2.5 inches, but yet there was your spine as clear as could be! Grandma didn't really like the regular ultrasound because you weren't as clear as normal and she couldn't get a clear video and she has gotten used to seeing you so up close!

I was so unbelievably happy to see you today; this last week filled with strange pain had Mama so worried. However, Mama's doctor decided that you are at that point where you are growing so well and getting heavy so my muscles are working overtime to support you, so this new pain is a great thing and completely normal. This is such a relief to hear because Mama is so in love with you, she can't imagine what she would do without you. I watch with growing wonder as the little bump that tells me you are with me is slowly getting a little bigger each week. I am counting down the weeks until I feel you kicking. Your grandma and Mamo have told me this can be quite painful, but oh. I can't wait. So kick away, lil miracle!

Mama was a little worried that doctor would not see us every Friday since you have graduated into the next "semester," but the doctor said he has no intention of stopping seeing us now and will continue to see us every week until we can both be assured you are doing ok by kicking Mama! I'm so happy about this, Baby!! I'm counting down the weeks until I feel you; doctor says maybe about six more weeks, but I'm hoping I can recognize your little movements earlier than that. We've got about four more weeks until doctor says you can hear us! Grandma and Grandpa especially can't wait for this and they are lecturing Mama all the time to sing to you. It is a guaranteed thing you will recognize my voice since you are so close to me, but you can bet Daddy, Grandma and Grandpa are going to try their best to talk to you so much that when you are born, you will recognize their voices, too!

Baby, you are so blessed. There are wonderful people in Mama and Daddy's life that can't wait to meet you and are so happy with each passing week, that have shared in our joy and worry and I am so thankful for them. They have eagerly waited every Friday for videos or pictures of you! You are much loved and this warms Mama's heart. I'm really worried about when you are born, I won't want to let you go. I've waited so long for you to be in my arms, I'm afraid when they hand you to me, I won't give you up. I've always been able to share everything, even with being an only child, but I'm going to have to work at this! See, besides mine and Daddy's arms to cuddle you, you have your grandparents and Mamo and Poppy right next door just waiting to cuddle you, too! Of course, when you arrive, you are also going to have special visitors waiting to cuddle you and I'm so grateful for this. So, I've been thinking and it occurred to me, I will have you for all our lives, cherishing each moment of your miraclous life. Plus, when I need sleep from all the sleepless nights you will be giving me, it will be so nice to have loving arms to place you in while I sleep. This is going to work out just fine, Baby!

From the ultrasounds, the doctor is predicting you are a boy, but we won't know for sure until a couple of weeks. Of course we know lots of women that were told their babies would be a boy or girl around this stage and then several weeks later, the baby was just the opposite! Either way, I'm fine with you being a boy or girl. The great thing with you being a boy, I already have your nursery set picked out. Over a year ago, I was daydreaming and looked for hours online at baby nurseries. I think I have seen them all and I fell in love with this particular one. As soon as doctor told me, I thought, "finally, I get to have that super cute nursery set!" I find myself dreaming about Tonka trucks, Legos, an extensive collection of Hot Wheels and puppy dogs. This thrills my tomboy heart! Of course, I have to wonder if you will be my "redheaded little terror!" It's fine with me, but Grandma says I do not know what I pray for. I've never raised a little boy, but I promise you I will do my best. I'm all for you being 100% boy, out in the mud and dirt, but I hope we can raise you to be a little gentleman, just like your Daddy.

You occupy my thoughts from morning to night. I wonder if you will favor me or Daddy or some ancestor we don't know. I hope if you are a boy, you will take after Daddy and grow tall. I hope you have an imagination like me even though I suspect it will get you in trouble at different times! Of course, your family all hopes you take after Daddy and be laidback and not worry over anything. I have teased your Daddy so many times about riding on a cloud and never worrying about a thing. Your Daddy's favorite words to Mama are "everything is going to be all right." They have teased your Mama unmercifully about the amount of worrying I do. They all enjoy this immensely and even tease me that when you are born, you are going to cry and say, "Ohhhh, Mama I'm scwared!!!!! Put me back in!!!!" This may not sound so funny, but if you could have seen your Grandma when she was imitating you, you would know why we laughed until it hurt; it was a riot.

In all seriousness, Baby, I do pray we can raise you to have simple faith and never worry, but leave it all in God's hands. Your Mama has been trying to master this for years; what can I say? I am a work in progress. You will be dedicated to God when you are tiny because we understand such a gift is only on loan from your Creator. I understand the best way to teach is by example and your parents are praying we can always be the right example to you. We will make mistakes because Baby you don't come with a manual, but we have had the privilege in watching parents around us and we have seen great examples of parents as well as not so great. I know your Daddy thinks about his childhood growing up with an absentee father and he is determined you will never know anything except the love of two people committed to God, each other and you. I admire and respect this quality in him. He is so excited to meet you and teach you things he wasn't taught, but had to learn. He loves you so much and even though he is not a chatterbox like your Mama, he is a rock and solid in his faith. While he teaches you manly things, I hope to instill in you among other things a gentle heart, compassion for others and a Godly heart full of love for others. You are changing our lives in ways we haven't even figured out yet and I can't wait to see how you will help us to be better people.

I have thought so much about Hannah lately. She was not the only woman in the Bible to suffer infertility, but her story of how she handled such heartache has been a great inspiration to me. I can only imagine the joy she had in her heart when her gift, Samuel, was born. I pray to experience such joy in March. Her prayer after Samuel is in her arms is the ultimate praise of every woman who has longed to experience of wonder of motherhood. As that was Hannah's prayer, God willing when aI experience the awesomeness of a child placed in my arms in March, the remainder of her prayer will be also my vow. "For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him. Therefore also I have lent him to the Lord; as long as he liveth he shall be lent to the Lord."

I love you,

Mama

Oh the Joy of Cravings!

I never quite understood how cravings were really for real and I wouldn’t be satisfied until that craving was fulfilled.  I never realized how severely my hormones would be out of whack and I would dissolve into tears over the silliest of things!  This has been my week and it has been a source of amusement and concern.

It all started Saturday morning.  My mom hung up the phone from talking to Mamo, begging and pleading with her to go to the ER, with Mamo steadfastly refusing. She then comes to the bedroom to check on me and finds me sitting in the middle of the bed crying.  Scared to death, she stopped dead still and asked me what in the world was wrong.  This was my reply:  “I want hot tea and scones with lemon curd and hot savories and we don’t have any and I want shrimp and I can’t have shrimp either.  And Mamo doesn’t feel good!”  All this was said between gulps and sobs.  Mom looked at me and then suddenly cracked up in peals of laughter.  She laughed so hard she couldn’t talk and had to sit down.  In the middle of this, my befuddled mind did realize how absurd and funny my statement was, so now I am laughing in between sobs.  I think my mom laughed for a good three minutes straight.  When she finally did stop laughing she just had to call Mamo and tell her. So now, Mamo is laughing too!  I am sitting there wanting to cry at them laughing at me, yet wanting to laugh because I realize how absurd everything is.  I have no clue what is up with me.  I crave lemon like it is going out of style!  Lemon curd on hot fresh scones, lemon cookies (specifically those wonderful melt-in-your-mouth Girl Scout Lemonades) and let’s not forget lemons in my water.  I have never been a person to like water or lemons in my water EVER.  Now, I can’t get enough.  Poor hubby had to make a special trip to the grocery store just for a bag of lemons.  One good thing is now that I have fresh lemons, I have no problem at all drinking my water.  Totally bizarre.  I am still craving my hot tea from a tea room.  My mind thinks about sitting there with fresh made tea with cream and little cubes of sugar and savories, fresh hot scones with lemon curd and strawberry jam, cucumber and cream cheese sandwiches and tomato and cheddar sandwiches, and wonderful bite-sized desserts!  I have told Mom and Aunt Kim the first Saturday Mamo is doing okay and I’m doing okay, we are going to make a trip to Pleasanton, Sutter Creek or San Jose for tea.  I am hoping Mamo and I feel up to it soon.   

Equally strange is my craving for jalapenos!  Ordinarily I do like hot salsa and hot stuff, but I’ve never been able to just eat a jalapeno.  Thankfully, last Saturday Aunt Kim was in the frying mood and her and Mom fried jalapenos stuffed with mozzarella, fried zucchini, squash, eggplant and onion rings.  Oh my, I was in food heaven!!!  I sat there tears in my eyes eating jalapenos, throat on fire, but oh, the flavor was so good!  And finally that craving was satisfied. 

I’ve tried to be careful about what I put in my mouth, but oh, how I have craved fried carbs!  I could eat Chilis’ salsa and chips 24/7 along with pasta and watermelon Italian soda.  I haven’t really indulged my slight ice cream craving, but if I do, hubby makes a trip to Loards Ice Cream and gets me a pint of Almond Joy ice cream or mint chocolate chip.  I actually haven’t had ice cream in a while as I mostly crave real food and lemon water.  Foods that I normally crave, like tri-tip and steak, have been nonexistent.  It is weird, but steak and tri-tip sound totally gross to me.

The crying thing is just beyond funny.  One day last week, I cried because my hubby forgot to wash my favorite pair of pajamas!!!  Really, in my “normal” life I am not a sob sister and even now with my hormones all over the place it is rare that I out and out just cry.  Normally, the tears just well up in my eyes, with one or two escaping to run down my cheeks.  My family finds this extremely hilarious!  Mom made sure Aunt Kim heard about the “crying over tea” episode and shares the other hilarious things I find to sob about.  Dad blames the “hormonies” as he calls them and rolls his eyes.  Justin just looks at me with half concern and half merriment on his face, like he can never really figure out if this is good or bad. 

In my self defense, I must say part of all this emotion is due to Mamo being so ill and my dreaded return to work.  It really is a wonderful thing that baby is so healthy my doctor feels confident in ending bed rest and I do realize this miracle and am so grateful, but oh, how I dread the stress of work and losing all that sleep.  I have gotten very partial to my sleep.  You would think after years and years of getting up at ungodly hours like 4:30 a.m., my body would be used to it and my internal alarm clock would be set at these hours.  Yeah right!  It doesn’t matter if I fall asleep early or late, my internal alarm clock wakes me up consistently between 9:00 and 9:30!!!  If I do get up earlier than that, you can guarantee I will be back asleep very soon.  As it is, I can wake up at 9:30 and by 1:00, my eyes are droopy and I’m down for the count for a good three or four hours.  This week especially, Mamo and I have enjoyed long afternoon naps.  Hearing this makes my doctor very happy and he assures me all this sleep is a great thing. 

The big news is that we are DAYS away from the second trimester!!!!!!  This seems so unreal to me, sometimes I feel as if I’m in a very happy dream.  The second trimester (or as Dad says, semester) has always seemed like this unreachable goal and now here I am just days away.  I was stunned yesterday when my doctor looked at me with a huge grin and said, “You are 1/3 of the way done!”  I’ve reached the point where the risk factor significantly decreases and you can’t even imagine how happy I am about that! I’ve got six months to go and oh I hope these six months go by quickly!  How I long to hold this baby in my arms and see for myself little eyes, ears, nose, mouth, fingers and toes!  We are also several weeks away from finding out positively if we are going to be decorating with pink or blue!  I’ve already got a nursery set picked out for a little boy and I’m still looking for a little girl. 

Our lil miracle is due in March and the timing is significant to me.  Whenever I thought about March 2012, heartache enveloped me because it would be a whole year since losing our last sweet baby and now, God willing, I will be cuddling my precious newborn!  I don’t think it is a coincidence and God’s way of showing me once again He does share my sorrows and knows my deepest desires.

Yesterday, we had such a precious moment with our baby.  When we first saw the baby, I almost had a freak out moment because the baby was so still.  Even though we could see the heartbeat the baby was totally not moving and my heart just stopped, but the doctor quickly assured me Baby was perfectly fine, just resting.  He moved me a little and Baby responded with a jerk, almost like he was startled.  Baby stretched, crossed little legs at the ankles (which I thought was so cute) and then wonder of wonders, brought the little hand to the mouth and started sucking his thumb!!!!  What a moment!  I had heard from other people about seeing their baby sucking a thumb, but you really can’t visualize until you actually see it for yourself!  We did get some movement which reassured me, but Baby was definitely intent on sleeping, and if Baby could talk I’m sure we would’ve heard, “Pleeease, don’t bother me. I’m sleeping here!” 

Baby was content to lie there sucking his thumb while doctor measured, listened to the heartbeat, and showed us all the pertinent limbs and organs!  It is such an amazing thing to see the baby and hear the heartbeat.  I never get used to it and I could listen to that sound all the time.  It is a wonder to me even in utero it is a baby’s instinct to suck his thumb, comforting itself back to sleep.  I still can’t get over it today!  And it was so cute seeing the baby’s legs crossed.  Mom reminded me I sleep that way and so does my dad.  All in all, it was a great doctor visit but by the time we left I was very, very sleepy myself and had a nasty headache.  The last couple of Fridays have been this way with a headache and so very tired.  Yesterday was especially bad and I fell asleep talking to Mom on her bed, which is why I’m posting on Saturday. 

Mom has started scrapbooking Baby’s ultrasound photos and I hope to do a few pages myself this week.  I am so blessed that from six weeks, I have been able to see for myself how much Baby has grown each week and have photos to record that growth.  What precious days these are!  Mom remarked yesterday that God must surely be helping Baby growing and staying one day ahead in growth just so this little Mama won’t worry!

I must thank all of you for prayers for my Mamo.  Monday morning, I was so shocked when she called me and asked if biscuits and gravy sounded good.  I’ve been really careful to see that Mamo doesn’t really cook for me so I knew it was a good sign she wanted to make breakfast.  Of course, I got up and rather anxiously walked next door to Mamo’s.  Going into the kitchen, I looked carefully at her face and was so happy to see that awful grey pallor was gone and her color was normal!  I could’ve danced a happy jig right then and there.  Her voice sounded stronger, too.  We ate breakfast and I told her I was so happy she was feeling better, but she needed to take a nap and take it easy.  I didn’t want her relapsing.  Now, Mamo is a strong minded person and normally when you tell her to take it easy, she just kinda brushes you aside, but now when she gets tired we take a nap.  Mom was equally happy and thankful when she got home from work and saw for herself Mamo was better.  All week, that horrifying scary grey pallor has been absent and she has been feeling better.  We are so thankful for this!  I am hoping and praying she continues to get her strength back.

This morning, my wonderful Mom got up and made scones and I finally got to eat my lemon curd while drinking red velvet chocolate tea!  Such a yummy breakfast!!!  I’m sure Baby appreciated it, too!  The lemon curd tasted as good as I thought it would and finally my craving is satisfied…until next time…lol!