Spring 2011 isn't exactly how I pictured it, but it is certainly a new beginning in my life and one that started with a goodbye. I've had many goodbyes in my life, but never one as hard as the latest goodbye. Yet I will always treasure this goodbye; true, I never met my little one other than staring at that ultrasound photo for hours on end, but he was part of me for ten of the most wonderful, happiest weeks of my life. This one will always be different and cherished because I had seen the heartbeat I so longed to see for so many years.
I was questioned if it was wise to announce so early to the world about our happy, happy news that at last a lil bundle of joy was going to make me the happiest Mommy because of my past losses, but when one waits so long for ecstatic news, why must it be that we focus on worry and what could happen, thus losing a part of joy? This is how I felt and so without trepidation, we told the world our baby was on the way. Two weeks ago, when we received our heartbreaking news that our baby was with me, but no longer alive, I still did not regret sharing the earlier happier news. The awesome outpouring of love, prayer, and support for us helped so much get us through one of the most horrible weeks of our lives. I have never felt so much love and concern and literally uplifted in prayer. I must thank all you dear people who have made such a difference in our lives and became new friends.
I have to stand in awe of God's faithfulness to us during this time. We prayed very long for a baby and I was given my baby for ten weeks. Even though we would never meet our baby, our prayer was still answered. The day our precious baby was taken away from me, 3/08/11, was one I will never forget for two reasons: The ordeal was beyond horrible and very painful, but it was during this most mentally and physically excruciating time that I was granted answers and an experience that forever changed my life. On our way to the hospital, I listened to "Held" by Natalie Grant which talks about child loss and in my mind, I asked to be held. The tears ran all the way into the operating room and my last conscious thought/prayer was, "I can't handle what they will be doing to my body and to the baby I love SO much; if ever You are ever going to hold me, I need You now." Again, that prayer was answered and indeed, I was held and during the full minute, my heart was flatlined, there was never a Valley of the Shadow; if anything, it was only stopped to prove once again our helpless humanity and the superiority of the One who gives life and who takes it away. When it did start beating again without any effort, it was no longer the same and changed from a heartbroken, shattered heart to one new and whole. I realize this all sounds fantastic and yes, I also realize that many will read this account and simply dismiss it as hallucinations under mind-altering drugs. However, let me say, I have had many surgical procedures and gone under with anesthesia and not once have I EVER seen a wonderful, indescribable place and I have never been held by One who knows and bears all grief. Also, when I lost my three other little ones, I was captured by awful depression and the overwhelming desire to never let myself go through the same thing again. Two weeks after, I can assure you there is no depression, no "black hole," just a thankfulness to be alive and to be able to live each day, to love and laugh, to the best of my ability. There is no regret, only faith that there is a higher plan and when I do get answers whether good or bad, I know that I will survive and whatever awaits me in this life is nothing compared to beyond the "pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne of God..."Another prayer that has been answered for us is that I prayed I would receive answers as to the "human why" our baby is no longer with us. Last Tuesday, we received one part of the answers. Next Tuesday, we begin our journey into finding out answers that will change our lives one way or another, but because of the knowledge that has been granted to me, I will face this too and know I will be given the strength I need at the moment I need it.
I also know that goodbye is not forever and one day I will meet the ones I so love, but until then, I know without a doubt, my babies know I loved them with a mother's love while they were with me and until that day, they are held by One who loves them even more than me. :)
